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Tuesday, July 2, 2013

The 2nd. | Leap of faith

The number '2' has been of great significance to me since 2 years ago.

Pardon me, for a sudden wave tsunami of emotions just hit me.

Earlier on today, I had a H2HT with Viv after our impromptu ramen session. Today was a bad day for me, ah no, not romantically-speaking, but well, everything else in life. School took a severe toll on me. I have not slept properly since 4 days ago (only taking short naps) and gotten my own body into trouble... as always. During the H2HT, we had a blast into the past, reviewed the people we once were in secondary school, our petty quarrels (WCP v.s. ECP HAHAHA OH, US) the good times, the bad times.

Loads of questions hit me while we were talking.

What if I never changed course? What if I stayed in DMC? What would become of me? Would I be happier? Am I genuinely happy in Design School now? Is this really what I want to do in the future? What would have changed? If Viv didn't send me that e-mail after 1.5 years of not contacting each other, would we still be talking now? (But hell yes, I am glad you did bbg. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for being equally gila in me when it comes to my crazy plans too <3) 

Pardon me for all the self-doubts, but it happens, you know?

It's okay to break down too.

But anyway, back to the number 2. The number 2 is still special to me. 2nd July 2011 is probably a date that I will never forget (I mean, besides my birthday, of course). Sometimes, I blame myself for thinking about this issue continuously, especially since it has been so long since me and A have parted ways. But I am only human, and I experience feelings and some fleeting moments too. So I guess this is pretty forgivable. Nobody should fault me for writing this out.

Exactly 2 years ago, it was when the magic (well, sorta) happened. He asked for a date, I was hesitant for good reasons. I have seen so many friends around me who have got hurt after devoting themselves to "love"... and nah-uh, I did not want that happening to me. But something inside me told me to take that leap of faith. To take that leap of faith and see how things could work out from there.

And it did, for a while at least.

He was my first boyfriend, my first love, first-partner-in-stargazing, first-personal-chef, first-someone-who-took-care-of-me-when-I-am-sick-instead-of-my-parents. Well... basically first everything-other-experience-such-as-breaking-my-curfew-for-someone-lmao. Plainly speaking, he was my partner in crime, my "best guy-friend". (I am sorry but Viv is still my bff4evah okay hayyyy gurlfran). He was someone that genuinely saw the worst side of me, loved me for who I am (or at least, I believed he really did), cared for this silly girl over here.

At the first stage of our relationship, I didn't know how to reciprocate. But he stayed. Sometimes my actions suggest reflect the opposite of my thoughts. I wasn't appreciative, I was clingy. Hell, I couldn't even stand the person I was.

I was genuinely happy though. We have been through the toughest of fights, a few short/temporary break-ups. But, he also made me the happiest girl alive (and I would like to believe that I did the same for him too), but he also brought out the devil in me (and again, I think I did have the same effect on him too. I brought out his worst side too). But unfortunately, sometimes, thing just don't align.

I changed, he changed. I am not going to fault either one of us in these issues. Because in a relationship, these things happen. I morphed into another person with differing ideals. So did his. Our ideals in both life and love slowly moved away from each other. Our ideals were getting more and more different with each passing day... and you know what they say? When you're more in love with the memories rather than the person you're facing, perhaps it's time to reevaluate the situation, and we did. What I regarded as a temporary break, escalated to a permanent one. In other words, both of us fell out of love.

We definitely belong to the "every other pair of lines" category but I am glad we weren't like parallel lines. Through all the things that didn't work out, our mutual mistakes and everything, I am still glad we met. Both of us helped each other to grow and become the person we are today.

For people who ask me whether I still love A?

Well, hell yes of course I still do!

But hey, the way I love and care for him now has changed. I love him as I love my friends. It isn't the let's-do-sweet-stuff-together. No, not at all man lmao.

I rant to him about things, about life, about myself and my occasional self esteem issues (Though he seldom does the same back because he's super tight-lipped). He suan me 24/7, calls me stupid, I call him an asshole back. He does stupid things, super YOLO things even, I hear about them and nag at him sometimes. Sometimes I want to kick him in the ass. Literally. Because he becomes that annoying. But with that said, I am sure there are instances whereby he wants to give me a tight slap because I am equally annoying too.

Sure, there will be residual feelings of romantic love somewhere, because after all, he was an integral part of my life for a long period of time. Sometimes it does hit me! But I can snap out of it rather easily. But no, I am no longer in love with him. And, he isn't in love with me anymore too.

At one point in time in the past 2 years, he has changed into someone that I would never see him becoming, but at the very least, I am glad to see him making the efforts into mending himself into the person he once was. The sweet, caring friend. Stay gold, pal. Stay gold.

One day, he will meet somebody else that will loved him in his entirety too. His flaws, his good points, and everything else. And may that person know how to truly appreciate him too. By then, I hope he will be really happy and become the lover he wanted to become. For what I lack in love, he could possibly find it in some other girl. No doubt about that. I will never be better than that girl, but neither would that girl be better than me. We are different.


Enough about the past... now, about the future.

And about meeting someone new? Maybe.
Maybe I already did. Everything is still uncertain. I have no idea as well. I am taking advantage of my age to slowly navigate and explore this realm again. I am still deterring anybody from breaking down my walls... for I do come with an additional emotional baggage now (unlike before, when A first met me).

But you know what? When I find that somebody, he will accept me, and my burdennnnnn baggage, and slowly relieve it together with me. He will help me to drop that baggage. Then, that would mean he's a true keeper. After my experience with A, I also learnt how to love and treat somebody better now, thankfully.

Maybe that's what first loves are for. So, the next someone that comes along better thank A for it too. :B If not, you'd be dealing with an immature bitch. Not that I am mature now, but yessss you get what I mean.

I know I will fall in love again.

But, for now, I do not want to take that leap of faith.

It's going to take me a lot to take that leap of faith now.

And... this to everybody I know.

With that said. Happy 2nd. :) I don't mean this as in 2nd-would-be-anniversary to him, but rather, just happy 2nd to everybody. Because 2nd is a special number to me, after all. Just because.