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Monday, December 31, 2012


This year has been a motherfucking roller coaster.

I wish I could say that I've been enjoying this year... but hell now. Hell to the no.

2012 has threw me with tons of setbacks. I've also made major decisions this year and went through loads and loads of shit. Shit that I never expected myself to go through, in fact. I read back on the post I wrote on 01/01/12 regarding my NY resolutions for 2012, let's see if any of them are actually fulfilled?

"1) My studies to get back on track. It has been getting terribly off-track lately."
Hmm, I can say I've been working on it at the very least ;)

"2) EV to huat ah!"
Lucky for me, I can say this should be partially fulfilled as well. EV did went through a lot of progress ^^ We'll be turning 2 this coming February!

"3) Me and B to spend 2012-2013 countdown together too! <3"
Haha. Maybe?

"4) My parents, friends and loved ones to stay healthy and happy. :)"
This isn't up for me to decide or know but I hope they did! :)

"5) Happiness for myself. :) This is subjective, but, oh well."
Hmm, can I say this is fulfilled yet not really?

I don't know why, but it was probably safe to say I was happier back in 2011. Much more carefree. Less worried about the world and definitely no relationship issues.

January 2012:
Seems fairly smooth-sailing according to my memories and blog archives, since no particular/major incident stemmed out from either avenues. Almost seemed like a good start to the year yeah?

February 2012:
Shit started to happen. An important friend of mine decided that it probably wasn't a worthy idea to stay in my life anymore. Till this date, I still have zero idea as to what happened. I mean, I tried to ask and attempted to make amendments for whatever wrongdoings I've done but if she doesn't wants to stay anymore, there's nothing much I can do, isn't it? I still wish her all the best in whatever she's doing and hoping that she is stronger than ever.

March 2012:
Loads of things happened in this month, and I meant this in a really bad way. Went through my first major break-up with A. I was such a wreck. Thinking back, damn, I am so glad I grew up from the mess I was. Contemplating suicide, entertaining the most depressing and nonsensical thoughts, because for a moment there, I thought everybody left me. I have even dashed across the road a few times, thinking that death was the only escape. I was so wrong, so so so fucking wrong. Made the almost life-changing decision to change my course as well.

Bye bye Media and Communication!

April 2012:
Hello Visual Communication and Media Design! At first, it was really hard for me to adjust to the new environment. After a year of being in CASS, it was really uncomfortable for me to be in SD (School of Design) and I'd miss the environment and people of CASS occassionally. But luckily for me, the people there were generally really nice :> My common foundation classmates were incredibly nice people to be with around as well :3

At some point in time, me and A got back together too.

May-June 2012:
Mainly school, school, and more school. By then, I have survived Common Foundation. Ten points for Shermindor!

July 2012:
1st Year Anniversary with the boy, A.

August 2012:
School, school, school. Design School robs people of their lives tbh.

September 2012:
One of the fucking best holidays ever.

My eighteenth birthday! Spent my birthday weekends at Marina Bay Sands Hotel. It was good on the most part, except that I got my period on the first day itself. Therefore, I was very cranky/mood-swinging like mad and I couldn't enjoy the Infinity pool. :( My apologies to those that I've pissed off due to my emotional self on those few days! A big thank-you to all of those who attended my birthday's celebrations and many thanks for the lovely presents that was received as well! :3

A also threw a surprise party for me on my actual birthday itself. Many thanks and kudos to him as well for making my eighteenth birthday more lovelier than ever despite being a sick soul on the day itself.

Amazing Mid-Autumn festival celebration with him as well.

October 2012:
Went to Bintan on the 1st-4th with my coursemates. A very refreshing and enriching experience! My first time overseas in my 18 years of existence as well HAHAHA.

And.... we broke up for real this time.

November 2012:
Spent immersing myself fully into school. It proved to be highly effective - or so the grades reflect. Hoping to keep up those standards and striving to improve on my works, but my lazy bones seem to be getting the best of me again. :( As of the previous term, my worst grade was a B, and it was for a 2 credits module. So again, another ten points for Shermindor! (Hahaha I'm entertaining myself so badly with that)

School was a lot better than before, considering I am now working on my niche areas/areas of interest as compared to the Common Foundation semester.

December 2012:
It's finally da fucking holidays! Loads of shit to deal with in this holidays, considering I've about 7 assignments due straight after this holidays? How is that.... holidays for us? Goddammit.

Anyway, in this month alone, I've gotten myself into quite a bit of trouble with the folks at home, considering how I've been breaking my curfews... clubbing, as well as getting myself wasted. Aite, no more for that for a very long time, I promise. My apologies to my parents for making them worry about me whenever I get out of hand :( I have not been working on both my schoolwork and EV during the last week so I feel immensely guilty for that. :( I am working on them right now as we speak!

Celebrated the last day of 2012 with A and his friends at Swee Choon.... and I've found my new favourite dish at Swee Choon! NO, IT IS NOT THE CUSTARD BUN. Although Swee Choon is known for their custard bun but... my favourite dish is the GLORIOUS FRIED TOFU, DUSTED WITH PORK FLOSS AND SPICES ON TOP. I think Tofu can be charted as my 3rd favourite food after Potatoes and Egg now.

I'd say I ended 2012 on a very... ordinary yet extraordinary way.

I do have a few wishes/resolutions for 2013, although they sound the same practically every other year, but... here goes:

1) For me to be as consistent as ever in my schoolwork, and may the God of Inspiration comes knocking on my door ever-so-frequently to keep my creative juices going - I have been going through loads of mental blocks/artist's blocks lately. Not good.

2) For my Mama and Papa to remain as caring as ever, and of course, I need to learn to control and rein in my temper and not get into conflicts as frequently as before with them. I also wish for them to stay as healthy as ever, for they're the only ones truly indispensable to me in this world.

3) Hoping for the best for all of my loved ones/friends. For them to stay as lovely and healthy as ever.

4) For EV to progress smoothly, and of course, for me to improve on the operations and customer service.

5) Last but not least, for me to let it go. I used to have faith that we could retrieve back what we've got - but we never can, and we probably never will.

I made a wish yesterday night. None of the wishes I made were in regards to the fact that I wanted us to get back together, but I did made one wish concerning you.

I wished for you to meet a lovelier girl than me. I wished for you to erase the bad memories of the previous relationship a.k.a us when you are with her. I wished for her to be able to take care of you in the way I couldn't. I wished for her to be less flawed than I am. I wished for her to be stronger than I am. I wished for her to be less childish. I wished for her to be the independent and free girl that you always wanted your girl to be. I wished for her to be able to love you better than I could. Last but not least, I wished that you'd be able to love her better than you loved me. Please treat her right and never lose her again. I wished all my happiness and blessings for you. Truly.

On the other hand, I wished for liberation myself. For me to have the ability to truly let it go.
I've stopped crying for a long time now, and I believe I can do it for an even longer time.


I should probably do this though:

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

I will be.

I'll be alright.

(Psst, Comme Des Fuckdown beanie will be launched in the next collection ^^)

Monday, December 17, 2012

“Go after her. Fuck, don’t sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that’s what you should do if you love someone, don’t wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, don’t let people happen to you, don’t let me happen to you, or her, she’s not a fucking television show or tornado. There are people I might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and I always thought I’d be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can’t just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone’s idea of love but it is the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really.”

I wished you'd have called. I gave you a sign. A sign that I needed help.

I wish you could run down the street after me yesterday night, to tell me things I wanted to hear.

I wished I did not have to spend 2 hours breaking down in public and crying yesterday night.

I wished that you could have saved me yesterday. Is it a case of 'inconvenience' or a case of not wishing to get my hopes up? Either way, it hurts like fuck.

I wished both you and I could love each other in a raw and unguarded way. But... we can't.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Letting go.

It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something, or someone, the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t come back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain. Damn, there’s nothing like that, is there? I’ve been there and you have too. You’re nodding your head.

- Henry Rollins

The pain never faded.
Not at all.
I just really learn how to manage it better, or did I?

Monday, December 10, 2012

Coming soon...

I hope you guys like what you see because these are the items coming soon to the 1st collection of 2013. Some great plans coming up next.

Comme des Fuckdown Beanie, Bart Simpson Pullover, Forever21 Crochet Sling Bag, A.Wang Inspired Satchel, Daisies Pullover, DM Inspired Velvet 8-Eye Boots. These aren't all that you're gonna see I swearrrr the next collection is gonna be jampacked with so many goodies.

I'm eggcited for them to arrive at my doorstep. I hope you are too :3


All I ever wanted was for somebody to fight for me.