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Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Square one.

It's back to Square One.

We become strangers, again. Oh no, rather, brother and sister. I wanted to 'QC' your future girlfriend or turn lesbian and steal her away. Haha.

You are moving on fine, it seems. Then, it just all boiled down to the fact that it's back to Square One.

What you didn't know behind all the "Hahaha" and "Ohhhh heheheh"... was me vomitting; my body rejecting food; me sleeping less than 5 hours per day because I get jolted awake by the nightmares. Many times, I... Almost fainted. I couldn't walk properly at all during work. I couldn't move the clothes, I couldn't iron then properly. I had no fucking energy to simply live anymore.

My dad wanted to bring me to a doctor to get pills that will open up my appetite so that I'll at least... Eat something. Sleeping pills too, perhaps. I can overdose on them easily.

I went from 46kg to 42kg. It was a good weight, then it dawned upon me that I was slowly becoming a bag of bones. It continued to drop and now it's hovering between 41kg and 42kg.

I told him a doctor is not what I need.

It's just all meant to be.

The results came - for both my GPA and CASS FOC GL/GP results. I didn't get selected for GL nor GP in CASS FOC. I thought I'd be disappointed but it turned out, hey, it might not be bad. It's a blessing in disguise.

I don't have to see you. Having fun.
Probably hitting on a new junior.
Probably finding another cute CASS girl to partner with.

Living on fine without me, as selfish as it sounds.
While I am the only one with my body becoming a shell with no soul inside, since I've literally became so heartless against everyone and everybody. I get my guards up. In the past, my defense was probably a tiny little wooden fence, now its an impenetrable fortress. Break across it, and it'll crush you.

I am leaving DMC, leaving CASS anyway. At least this will warrants a clean break. :) From you, from everyone, from everything.

I an not good enough for anything and anyone. I am going to close myself up. I am going to lock my heart inside a treasure chest, and throw the key away into the wild, big, ocean.

Nobody can touch it again.
Nobody can touch me again.
Nobody can make me love again.
I can't even love myself, how do I expect anybody to do the same?

Oh, and remember the helium balloon you gave me?
It finally stopped floating too.
It wasn't deflated, but there was just not enough helium in it to make it float anymore.
Maybe it is a sign, haha.

My mom wanted me to throw the balloon away, I just simply said, "No, it's the last I've of someone."

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