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Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Liberation

I was binded by and blinded by this single thing my whole life: Expectations.

Expectations was what was keeping me forward but it is also the very same thing that made me crumble down more whenever things do not match up to my expectations.

Since young, I have been fueled by my expectations to do extraordinary things. I wasn't a very bright child, but I EXPECTED to get that damn Tamagotchi from Takashimaya when I was 7. Naturally, my parents being typical Singaporean parents, do not see a need for me to have that toy. But, the 7 years old me wanted it so badly - then I made a pact with my parents that, if I could score 100/100 for all 3 of my subjects then, I'll get that toy.

With those words of theirs, my expectations to do better became sky-rocket high. Expectations gave me the motivation to do better, it gave me a reason to wake up in the morning, get my ass to school and start learning. I actually liked studying then, because it gave me something to look forward to.

Soon, my expectations to do well wasn't just because I wanted that toy anymore... It's also to prove to my parents, and ultimately, myself that I was just as bright as other kids.

Then the results came back, I got 100/100 for English and Chinese (HURRAH!)... But 97/100 for Maths. (See, Maths has never been my friend since young. Once a foe, always a foe) Ouch. You could imagine that it was practically the worst catastrophe that could ever happen to a 7 years old. But alright, I digress quite a bit.

My parents still ended up buying the Tamagotchi anyway (Yay ^___^)

But even then, for the little me, I wasn't happy, because I did not fulfill ALL that I wanted.
Yes, to me, my expectations cannot be half-met... it must be fully met. That was the reason why I feel binded by it and similarly, it made other people feel the same way too.

Since then, harbouring expectations became a tool of survival/happiness.
Harbouring expectations gave me things to look forward to.
It gave me... hope?
That something better is waiting for me.

But eventually, when I see that the "something better" in question is no longer in view... my expectations come to naught and I become disappointed again.

Weird, huh?

As I grew up, harboring expectations became a daily thing for me to do. To expect the day to go well, to expect my parents not to scold me. To expect things to go as planned, to expect everybody to still love me (LOL).

I started transferring these expectations of mine and bind them onto other people. Friends, families and everybody else.

If I give them my all, I expect them to give me their all.
If I tell them things, I expect them to tell me things in return.
If I do a certain thing for them, I expect them to do me a favour of either the same or greater value. Even if they don't, I expect them to show signs of appreciations.

Unfortunately, people often doesn't live up to "my" expectations.

If you do little things here and there, if you make promises... my expectations goes even higher. Sometimes it's impossible to reach. So don't just pay me lipservice and say things that will spark my hopes and expectations up... because the higher my expectations are, the harder you disappoint.

I am tired of setting expectations, only to get disappointed.
You are probably tired of trying to live up to my expectations too.
So I just want it let it go.

--

Yesterday, I was thinking to myself, "Are my expectations too high?" before I slept. I talked to L, and I also talked to G. Still couldn't get my answer. I pondered about this question for a full hour before #scumbagbrain finally told me to stop thinking like Confucius Jr. allowed me to sleep.

Actually, I only have one basic expectation that I require in a relationship. I do not want big gifts. I don't need you to lavish me with diamonds or gems. I do not want expensive dinners. I do not crave for some resorts/expensive hotel stay. I mean, yes, these are all the things a girl can dream of wanting... and some guys really do pamper their girls that way, but no, I do not need all of that. You thought I was craving for these? No, actually, I only have this simple expectation...

What I expect out of a relationship/the person I love:
- For them to make me feel like I mattered, or if I am actually that someone's priority. I do not want to be second in line with friends, family and social life. I want to be... the first. I know I can't be the "only", but at the very least, the "first"?

Lately, you've been making promises that would supposedly fulfill these expectations of mine. But, you are not living up to your promises. You often tell me to put yourself in your shoes. I did. I am not asking you to do something extraordinarily sweet. I am just expecting you to do something... for me. Or even, just show me that you have the heart and mind to plan something for me... You think it will be insincere to plan because it means it's coming from the mind and not the heart, but to me, it's actually a lot more sincere if you became the active one and actually drafted out plans... Because you actually had the HEART to plan, you see.

To your own credit, you did do little things to make me happy. But, it was after several rounds of prompting... and you seemed to have done it out of unwillingness. You say I am thinking too much into it but I can read people's minds and get their vibes easily. Most of the time, I am correct.

I have not been seeing you doing things for me out of your own heart (as much as you claimed it is). Many times, I see signs of reluctance, unwillingness whenever I make small requests. You'd then proceed to lash out at me and all I can do is just to... shut up. once again, I can't even lash back to you anymore because all you'll do these days, and before, is to point out all my damn flaws. Congratulations. You've really made me stronger and a lot more resistant to things like this.

If you can't fulfill this simple expectation of mine, then I am afraid I am probably not the one for you, you're also probably not the one for me.

Also, "Am I way too self-centered?" or are you the "selfless" one?

Both statements are correct and wrong at the same time. Why do I say so?

I am self-centered. I wanted you to not leave me behind and stay for me. I wanted you to do this and that for me and sacrifice things for me.

But... Think about it.

If I was really so self-centered, I'd have forbid you to go.

But I understood you wanted to go very badly, and quoting from you, "You know I have been wanting to go for this since a year+ ago?"

When I didn't even tell you NOT to go yet but just simply subtly say in a joking manner, "Don't go around flirting with other girls ah hahah.".... You just started scolding me. So damn fucking badly. Telling R that I kicked up a 'big fuss' over it. I didn't... This time, you created the big fuss yourself.

Aren't you being selfish and self-centered by thinking about only your OWN desires and needs too? You wanted to go for this since a long time ago but have it ever occurred to you that, at any point/moment in time that I didn't even have the chance to go for it? I lost it the first time due to external factors and I lost it the second time due to my own problems. I didn't even want to fight for it back then because of all the problems you have fucking caused me the first time. I started losing confidence in every single fucking thing.

I wasn't hoping for you to not go, just because of me. Because I know it would be the wrong and unreasonable choice anyway, since you'll just continue to blame me for making you lose your chance. All I was simply hoping for, was you to tell me you'll help me fight for a chance to go, as much as you tried to help your other friends. But, guess what? At this point in time, you didn't even bother telling me the answer/result. Afraid I'll get hurt again huh?

Another thing I was hoping for, was for you to just tell me that you'd give up the chance to go for it if it's really uncomfortable with me. I didn't want you to give it up. I just wanted you to have the intention of wanting to give it up for me if you really did love me that much. But no, you didn't have the intention to.

But instead, on that day, you only threatened me by trying to text the person in-charge that you didn't want to go so that I HAVE to let you go. (Reverse psychology yo). That didn't felt good at all. You didn't bother saying anything along that line to me. Once again, it was just all lashing out at me.

Consider my feelings, please?

On the other hand, I knew I couldn't stop you. As much as I want to stop you, I know you would only hate me if I do. I just try to nudge a little and you already just kept lashing out at me. Scolding me for being insecure and not trusting you enough. How not to be? Then, you inserted sentences like "Don't you trust me enough?! So that's what you think of me huh?" I just subjected myself to temporary silence.

How are you being selfless then? You often claimed that you're selfless and all for everybody else around you... But no, trust me, you're just about as selfish as any other people too at moments too. Sometimes, even more selfish than me. You're just more giving compared to others. Just like me and every other self-centered person, you failed to consider my goddamn feelings before you do something.

"Do I put myself in other shoes?"

I did. This time, you didn't.

"Am I often too impulsive in making important decisions?"

I admit I often am. But, this time, I have thought it through. L talked to me yesterday night and said that next time if I was to mention that dreadful B word again, I need to think about the consequences of my actions/decisions seriously before committing any important decisions.

I thought it out yesterday night and today's morning and I finally came up with a decision/conclusion. Your actions this morning further insinuated my decision.

L asked me what do I truly want if we do separates, I said "me, to finally feel liberated and stop expecting. him, to stop being binded by my senseless expectations, and to gain his rightful/deserving freedom."

Then, I thought about the possibility of getting him back again and how would life be if it all went back to normal, as it was before.

Then I realized the chances are 0%, we might be happy again but we can never go back to how we was before.

Guardless against you. Innocent and pure again like before. - No longer happening anymore. Sorry.

Just like in divorce papers... irreconcilable differences exist between the both of us. You often say love is enough to guide us back to each other. Wrong. I still love you, very much, in fact, but I am really losing my way in finding the You that I fell in love with, and I an sure you find it the same way about me too.

I am no longer the Me that you fell in love with.

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