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Tuesday, March 20, 2012

A letter to two of my loveD ones.

Loved ones.
Capitalization and emphasis on the 'ed', a.k.a the 'past tense'.

You two have taught me amazing lessons in life.

To you:

You taught me not to get so emotionally attached onto anybody, or at least not anymore.

You taught me not to let my heart out again.

You taught me, to be independent, just the way you wanted it.

You taught me that your words, some of them were filled with truths, some of them with lies.

You taught me that true love doesn't exists after all.

You taught me how to stop being a hopeless romantic, the Libra I am.

You taught me how to guard my heart against everybody else. Including you, including potential 'suitors'.

You taught me how to see past everybody's flaws, and even yours. I never attempted to change you. Never did.

You taught me that you didn't truly love me. Maybe, you did, at one point in time, but lately, I feel that I was just a dread and a burden you had to carry.

Do you feel relieved now?

Ultimately, I am grateful, for...

You taught me... to grow up. The pains, of growing up.

To you:

You're right. I gave everybody a reason, no wait, reasons, to walk away.

I read this quote before, if it's one person that has a problem with you, it's probably that person kicking a big fuss. If it's more than a few, then hey, you might be the problem.

I am the problem.

I'm sorry.
But thank you.

--

I told my dad everything.

D: "Have you ever been called heartless before straight in your face anymore? A dog? A worthless person? Even till today? I retrenched a person with 2 mentally-impaired children and everybody in the company kept dishing those labels onto me. All they didn't know was that I gave the guy a year to find another job outside."

Me: "Not to that extent, but close to feeling worthless."

D: You don't know all of these, but let me tell you - I wanted to give up, a lot of times before. Ma-ma (grandma) is suffering from dementia and none of your aunts and uncles want to take care of her. I've been going to her house after work every alternate day to take care of your ma-ma. She needs me. Your brother has a mental disorder. Your mother is not emotionally nor financially strong enough to hold up this family. I have you to worry about too. You guys need me too.

You're very strong-willed, stubborn, bad-tempered, much like me, but have you realized other people could detest this trait of yours?

I can't give up. If I gave up, I am giving up everybody else's lives away too.

Me: I don't know pa, I really don't. I am a loser right? For giving up, every single time.

D: Maybe you're the one at fault. Maybe you're not, maybe it's the others.

Me: It is me. Times and times again, it proved that it is me.

D: Then maybe, times and times again, you just met the wrong people?

Me: I want to give up.

D: Don't. Look at Pa, I didn't. I could have crumbled under pressure, but I didn't.

Me: What should I do then? Pa, what if Mummy walked away on the family? How would you feel?

D: I can't do anything if she wants to do just that. I'd feel heartbroken - for sure. All I know is I've to be strong for you, and Gor-gor, and Ma-ma. Ah mei, you can only be immune. Be numb. Give your heart to others, but not the whole of it anymore. Guard yourself against people. Have reservations when it comes to your feelings.

What are heartbreaks? Though I am a guy, my heart has been broken before too. You think Mummy was the first girlfriend I had meh? Haha. I fell in love before that too. Several times in fact, way before I met your Mummy.

Me: So why did you marry Mummy? After all the heartbreaks, aren't you scared anymore? That Mummy will do the same to you? Mummy might just like be the other girls what, no? I'm already scared, just this once... how did you manage to get through all of the heartbreaks?

D: I am not scared, because your Mummy is well, your dumb naive Mummy. (Hahahaha). Ultimately also because your Mummy... *sigh*, she gave me heart aches; not heartbreaks.

I finally laughed.
Finally.

--

I've to be strong. For Mummy. For Pa. And even for Gor.
For my family, and my friends.
They can't see me crumble, they can't.

--

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