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Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Liberation

I was binded by and blinded by this single thing my whole life: Expectations.

Expectations was what was keeping me forward but it is also the very same thing that made me crumble down more whenever things do not match up to my expectations.

Since young, I have been fueled by my expectations to do extraordinary things. I wasn't a very bright child, but I EXPECTED to get that damn Tamagotchi from Takashimaya when I was 7. Naturally, my parents being typical Singaporean parents, do not see a need for me to have that toy. But, the 7 years old me wanted it so badly - then I made a pact with my parents that, if I could score 100/100 for all 3 of my subjects then, I'll get that toy.

With those words of theirs, my expectations to do better became sky-rocket high. Expectations gave me the motivation to do better, it gave me a reason to wake up in the morning, get my ass to school and start learning. I actually liked studying then, because it gave me something to look forward to.

Soon, my expectations to do well wasn't just because I wanted that toy anymore... It's also to prove to my parents, and ultimately, myself that I was just as bright as other kids.

Then the results came back, I got 100/100 for English and Chinese (HURRAH!)... But 97/100 for Maths. (See, Maths has never been my friend since young. Once a foe, always a foe) Ouch. You could imagine that it was practically the worst catastrophe that could ever happen to a 7 years old. But alright, I digress quite a bit.

My parents still ended up buying the Tamagotchi anyway (Yay ^___^)

But even then, for the little me, I wasn't happy, because I did not fulfill ALL that I wanted.
Yes, to me, my expectations cannot be half-met... it must be fully met. That was the reason why I feel binded by it and similarly, it made other people feel the same way too.

Since then, harbouring expectations became a tool of survival/happiness.
Harbouring expectations gave me things to look forward to.
It gave me... hope?
That something better is waiting for me.

But eventually, when I see that the "something better" in question is no longer in view... my expectations come to naught and I become disappointed again.

Weird, huh?

As I grew up, harboring expectations became a daily thing for me to do. To expect the day to go well, to expect my parents not to scold me. To expect things to go as planned, to expect everybody to still love me (LOL).

I started transferring these expectations of mine and bind them onto other people. Friends, families and everybody else.

If I give them my all, I expect them to give me their all.
If I tell them things, I expect them to tell me things in return.
If I do a certain thing for them, I expect them to do me a favour of either the same or greater value. Even if they don't, I expect them to show signs of appreciations.

Unfortunately, people often doesn't live up to "my" expectations.

If you do little things here and there, if you make promises... my expectations goes even higher. Sometimes it's impossible to reach. So don't just pay me lipservice and say things that will spark my hopes and expectations up... because the higher my expectations are, the harder you disappoint.

I am tired of setting expectations, only to get disappointed.
You are probably tired of trying to live up to my expectations too.
So I just want it let it go.

--

Yesterday, I was thinking to myself, "Are my expectations too high?" before I slept. I talked to L, and I also talked to G. Still couldn't get my answer. I pondered about this question for a full hour before #scumbagbrain finally told me to stop thinking like Confucius Jr. allowed me to sleep.

Actually, I only have one basic expectation that I require in a relationship. I do not want big gifts. I don't need you to lavish me with diamonds or gems. I do not want expensive dinners. I do not crave for some resorts/expensive hotel stay. I mean, yes, these are all the things a girl can dream of wanting... and some guys really do pamper their girls that way, but no, I do not need all of that. You thought I was craving for these? No, actually, I only have this simple expectation...

What I expect out of a relationship/the person I love:
- For them to make me feel like I mattered, or if I am actually that someone's priority. I do not want to be second in line with friends, family and social life. I want to be... the first. I know I can't be the "only", but at the very least, the "first"?

Lately, you've been making promises that would supposedly fulfill these expectations of mine. But, you are not living up to your promises. You often tell me to put yourself in your shoes. I did. I am not asking you to do something extraordinarily sweet. I am just expecting you to do something... for me. Or even, just show me that you have the heart and mind to plan something for me... You think it will be insincere to plan because it means it's coming from the mind and not the heart, but to me, it's actually a lot more sincere if you became the active one and actually drafted out plans... Because you actually had the HEART to plan, you see.

To your own credit, you did do little things to make me happy. But, it was after several rounds of prompting... and you seemed to have done it out of unwillingness. You say I am thinking too much into it but I can read people's minds and get their vibes easily. Most of the time, I am correct.

I have not been seeing you doing things for me out of your own heart (as much as you claimed it is). Many times, I see signs of reluctance, unwillingness whenever I make small requests. You'd then proceed to lash out at me and all I can do is just to... shut up. once again, I can't even lash back to you anymore because all you'll do these days, and before, is to point out all my damn flaws. Congratulations. You've really made me stronger and a lot more resistant to things like this.

If you can't fulfill this simple expectation of mine, then I am afraid I am probably not the one for you, you're also probably not the one for me.

Also, "Am I way too self-centered?" or are you the "selfless" one?

Both statements are correct and wrong at the same time. Why do I say so?

I am self-centered. I wanted you to not leave me behind and stay for me. I wanted you to do this and that for me and sacrifice things for me.

But... Think about it.

If I was really so self-centered, I'd have forbid you to go.

But I understood you wanted to go very badly, and quoting from you, "You know I have been wanting to go for this since a year+ ago?"

When I didn't even tell you NOT to go yet but just simply subtly say in a joking manner, "Don't go around flirting with other girls ah hahah.".... You just started scolding me. So damn fucking badly. Telling R that I kicked up a 'big fuss' over it. I didn't... This time, you created the big fuss yourself.

Aren't you being selfish and self-centered by thinking about only your OWN desires and needs too? You wanted to go for this since a long time ago but have it ever occurred to you that, at any point/moment in time that I didn't even have the chance to go for it? I lost it the first time due to external factors and I lost it the second time due to my own problems. I didn't even want to fight for it back then because of all the problems you have fucking caused me the first time. I started losing confidence in every single fucking thing.

I wasn't hoping for you to not go, just because of me. Because I know it would be the wrong and unreasonable choice anyway, since you'll just continue to blame me for making you lose your chance. All I was simply hoping for, was you to tell me you'll help me fight for a chance to go, as much as you tried to help your other friends. But, guess what? At this point in time, you didn't even bother telling me the answer/result. Afraid I'll get hurt again huh?

Another thing I was hoping for, was for you to just tell me that you'd give up the chance to go for it if it's really uncomfortable with me. I didn't want you to give it up. I just wanted you to have the intention of wanting to give it up for me if you really did love me that much. But no, you didn't have the intention to.

But instead, on that day, you only threatened me by trying to text the person in-charge that you didn't want to go so that I HAVE to let you go. (Reverse psychology yo). That didn't felt good at all. You didn't bother saying anything along that line to me. Once again, it was just all lashing out at me.

Consider my feelings, please?

On the other hand, I knew I couldn't stop you. As much as I want to stop you, I know you would only hate me if I do. I just try to nudge a little and you already just kept lashing out at me. Scolding me for being insecure and not trusting you enough. How not to be? Then, you inserted sentences like "Don't you trust me enough?! So that's what you think of me huh?" I just subjected myself to temporary silence.

How are you being selfless then? You often claimed that you're selfless and all for everybody else around you... But no, trust me, you're just about as selfish as any other people too at moments too. Sometimes, even more selfish than me. You're just more giving compared to others. Just like me and every other self-centered person, you failed to consider my goddamn feelings before you do something.

"Do I put myself in other shoes?"

I did. This time, you didn't.

"Am I often too impulsive in making important decisions?"

I admit I often am. But, this time, I have thought it through. L talked to me yesterday night and said that next time if I was to mention that dreadful B word again, I need to think about the consequences of my actions/decisions seriously before committing any important decisions.

I thought it out yesterday night and today's morning and I finally came up with a decision/conclusion. Your actions this morning further insinuated my decision.

L asked me what do I truly want if we do separates, I said "me, to finally feel liberated and stop expecting. him, to stop being binded by my senseless expectations, and to gain his rightful/deserving freedom."

Then, I thought about the possibility of getting him back again and how would life be if it all went back to normal, as it was before.

Then I realized the chances are 0%, we might be happy again but we can never go back to how we was before.

Guardless against you. Innocent and pure again like before. - No longer happening anymore. Sorry.

Just like in divorce papers... irreconcilable differences exist between the both of us. You often say love is enough to guide us back to each other. Wrong. I still love you, very much, in fact, but I am really losing my way in finding the You that I fell in love with, and I an sure you find it the same way about me too.

I am no longer the Me that you fell in love with.

#1 my fake diy galaxy nails haha it's just purple+blue shimmer on top of each other.
#2 galaxy deer sweater to keep me warm while i was @ work.
#3  the day of the "egg yolk" sky. there was this beautiful collision of blue and orange skies together.
#4 unicorn stickers on my blackberry back cover. only cost me 90cents... score!
#5 items you'll see in the next collection/preparing for ev's photoshoot

Low quality images again, but hey, at least, there's something!

Monday, March 26, 2012

Galaxy shorts invasions!

G01: Constellations Galaxy
Size M; fits UK8-10 best.
ONE PIECE ONLY.
G02: Galactica Starlight
Size S; fits UK6-8 best.
ONE PIECE ONLY.

G03:Meteor Showers
Size M; fits UK6-10.
ONE PIECE ONLY.
G04: Milky Way Nebula
Size M; fits UK6-10
ONE PIECE ONLY.


Oh yes, please love me more.

These galaxy shorts are coming to a computer screen near you. (Yes I'm getting cheesy, slap me).

These are not launched yet but I'll drop a note here when they are launched. They should be up on either the site or Facebook by Apr. I forgot to photograph the last/5th pair of shorts that I've made, but I figured I could keep it for myself anyway.

This also means that new EV collection is coming soon!
Now, off to settle the outstanding/unreplied/undelivered mails that I've neglected while I was nursing my heartbreak/illness (sucks when two comes together...) yikes. I can hear them calling for me from my Gmail inbox. /)_(\

Next up, The Hunger Games.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Test.

You told me you subjected me to those various challenges because you wanted me to become stronger.
You wanted me to be strong without you.
You told me that I've been too dependent on you, and that one day, if you leave without a cause, you were afraid I'd literally die with you.
You wanted me to stop blaming myself whenever things goes wrong.

You told me it was all for my own good, and that I'd become stronger after it all.

--

So you threw me, the kid who didn't know how to swim... alone in the pool. (Guys this is an analogy okay haha). You hoped that the kid will teach herself/himself how to swim.

Your intentions were good, but little did you know that, this child over here could be an hydrophobic child, or become one? If you try to force a child to swim, against his/her own wishes, he/she would only struggle, struggle so much to stay afloat. They could steal other kids' floats, or they could just drown and die because they didn't don't know how to swim.

You thought the child would gain survival instincts and teacher himself/herself how to swim. Some would. But every other child have their own personalities/characteristics, and you failed to realize that.

Right now, you've made the child incredibly hydrophobic. Afraid to touch water, afraid to experience it too.

The child turned into a monster.

The child now has trust issues. She/he would not let any strangers near her/him again, only to let them push her/him down into the pool again, without any guidance, without any help. Nobody to save the child.

The child has now became someone, who is afraid to... do everything.

But still, a hydrophobic monster.

Afraid to love, afraid to let myself be loved.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Square one.

It's back to Square One.

We become strangers, again. Oh no, rather, brother and sister. I wanted to 'QC' your future girlfriend or turn lesbian and steal her away. Haha.

You are moving on fine, it seems. Then, it just all boiled down to the fact that it's back to Square One.

What you didn't know behind all the "Hahaha" and "Ohhhh heheheh"... was me vomitting; my body rejecting food; me sleeping less than 5 hours per day because I get jolted awake by the nightmares. Many times, I... Almost fainted. I couldn't walk properly at all during work. I couldn't move the clothes, I couldn't iron then properly. I had no fucking energy to simply live anymore.

My dad wanted to bring me to a doctor to get pills that will open up my appetite so that I'll at least... Eat something. Sleeping pills too, perhaps. I can overdose on them easily.

I went from 46kg to 42kg. It was a good weight, then it dawned upon me that I was slowly becoming a bag of bones. It continued to drop and now it's hovering between 41kg and 42kg.

I told him a doctor is not what I need.

It's just all meant to be.

The results came - for both my GPA and CASS FOC GL/GP results. I didn't get selected for GL nor GP in CASS FOC. I thought I'd be disappointed but it turned out, hey, it might not be bad. It's a blessing in disguise.

I don't have to see you. Having fun.
Probably hitting on a new junior.
Probably finding another cute CASS girl to partner with.

Living on fine without me, as selfish as it sounds.
While I am the only one with my body becoming a shell with no soul inside, since I've literally became so heartless against everyone and everybody. I get my guards up. In the past, my defense was probably a tiny little wooden fence, now its an impenetrable fortress. Break across it, and it'll crush you.

I am leaving DMC, leaving CASS anyway. At least this will warrants a clean break. :) From you, from everyone, from everything.

I an not good enough for anything and anyone. I am going to close myself up. I am going to lock my heart inside a treasure chest, and throw the key away into the wild, big, ocean.

Nobody can touch it again.
Nobody can touch me again.
Nobody can make me love again.
I can't even love myself, how do I expect anybody to do the same?

Oh, and remember the helium balloon you gave me?
It finally stopped floating too.
It wasn't deflated, but there was just not enough helium in it to make it float anymore.
Maybe it is a sign, haha.

My mom wanted me to throw the balloon away, I just simply said, "No, it's the last I've of someone."

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

A letter to two of my loveD ones.

Loved ones.
Capitalization and emphasis on the 'ed', a.k.a the 'past tense'.

You two have taught me amazing lessons in life.

To you:

You taught me not to get so emotionally attached onto anybody, or at least not anymore.

You taught me not to let my heart out again.

You taught me, to be independent, just the way you wanted it.

You taught me that your words, some of them were filled with truths, some of them with lies.

You taught me that true love doesn't exists after all.

You taught me how to stop being a hopeless romantic, the Libra I am.

You taught me how to guard my heart against everybody else. Including you, including potential 'suitors'.

You taught me how to see past everybody's flaws, and even yours. I never attempted to change you. Never did.

You taught me that you didn't truly love me. Maybe, you did, at one point in time, but lately, I feel that I was just a dread and a burden you had to carry.

Do you feel relieved now?

Ultimately, I am grateful, for...

You taught me... to grow up. The pains, of growing up.

To you:

You're right. I gave everybody a reason, no wait, reasons, to walk away.

I read this quote before, if it's one person that has a problem with you, it's probably that person kicking a big fuss. If it's more than a few, then hey, you might be the problem.

I am the problem.

I'm sorry.
But thank you.

--

I told my dad everything.

D: "Have you ever been called heartless before straight in your face anymore? A dog? A worthless person? Even till today? I retrenched a person with 2 mentally-impaired children and everybody in the company kept dishing those labels onto me. All they didn't know was that I gave the guy a year to find another job outside."

Me: "Not to that extent, but close to feeling worthless."

D: You don't know all of these, but let me tell you - I wanted to give up, a lot of times before. Ma-ma (grandma) is suffering from dementia and none of your aunts and uncles want to take care of her. I've been going to her house after work every alternate day to take care of your ma-ma. She needs me. Your brother has a mental disorder. Your mother is not emotionally nor financially strong enough to hold up this family. I have you to worry about too. You guys need me too.

You're very strong-willed, stubborn, bad-tempered, much like me, but have you realized other people could detest this trait of yours?

I can't give up. If I gave up, I am giving up everybody else's lives away too.

Me: I don't know pa, I really don't. I am a loser right? For giving up, every single time.

D: Maybe you're the one at fault. Maybe you're not, maybe it's the others.

Me: It is me. Times and times again, it proved that it is me.

D: Then maybe, times and times again, you just met the wrong people?

Me: I want to give up.

D: Don't. Look at Pa, I didn't. I could have crumbled under pressure, but I didn't.

Me: What should I do then? Pa, what if Mummy walked away on the family? How would you feel?

D: I can't do anything if she wants to do just that. I'd feel heartbroken - for sure. All I know is I've to be strong for you, and Gor-gor, and Ma-ma. Ah mei, you can only be immune. Be numb. Give your heart to others, but not the whole of it anymore. Guard yourself against people. Have reservations when it comes to your feelings.

What are heartbreaks? Though I am a guy, my heart has been broken before too. You think Mummy was the first girlfriend I had meh? Haha. I fell in love before that too. Several times in fact, way before I met your Mummy.

Me: So why did you marry Mummy? After all the heartbreaks, aren't you scared anymore? That Mummy will do the same to you? Mummy might just like be the other girls what, no? I'm already scared, just this once... how did you manage to get through all of the heartbreaks?

D: I am not scared, because your Mummy is well, your dumb naive Mummy. (Hahahaha). Ultimately also because your Mummy... *sigh*, she gave me heart aches; not heartbreaks.

I finally laughed.
Finally.

--

I've to be strong. For Mummy. For Pa. And even for Gor.
For my family, and my friends.
They can't see me crumble, they can't.

--

Monday, March 19, 2012

I told you so.

"If there’s so much I must be, can I still just be me the way I am?" – Kiara (The Lion King II)
So much truth in this, but apparently not.


I told you so.
I told you I am a mess.
I told you I am fucking insecure
I told you paranoia overcomes my soul.
I told you I have very low self-esteem.
I told you I've been hurt.
I told you not to give me empty promises.
I told you I am very emotional. My emotional quotient is basically lesser than an orange's.
I told you I can't grow up, not just yet.
I told you I'm very immature when it comes to the affairs of the heart.

I told you not to love me, and certainly not to reassure me that you do.
It made me have greater expectations, greater hopes.

For you, I changed. 
Bit by bit.
I wanted to become a better 'me', for you, and also for myself.
There's not much I've done, but I've did something.

But you made me fall.
When I fall, I fall hard.

You made me realize I am a mess. You made me immensely insecure & paranoid, you made my self-esteem go down so much faster than it was before. You hurt me. You gave me promises that were either broken or never fulfilled.

I concealed my emotions.

--

You told me you wouldn't leave, just like the others.
You told me that when everybody else leaves, you would still be there.
Guess what, you left first.
Or maybe I did. 


You told me you didn't mind loving me.
You told me you could see past my flaws.
Huge, huge flaws.

You told me you didn't mind my problems. 
My fucked-up self.
I believed.

You told me you wouldn't hurt me like how others did.
Again and again.
You told me you could handle all of the above.
No, you couldn't.

You just wanted me to handle it all by myself.
You want me to be "independent". I am sorry, I can't.

I was expecting you to hold on, and tell me "It's alright baby, I'm sorry."
"Let me hold on to your hand and tell you that everything's fine."

No, I have to find out about your inner thoughts from somebody else.
You would rather tell them, than me.
Once again, I've to find out about the truth, myself.

I was waiting for your reply.
Not so patiently.
You could be busy, you could be doing something else.
I had to ask.
Several times, in fact, with countless times of prompting.
Before I get a reply.
An immensely half-hearted reply.

Needing me to give you personal space?
Well, you got it now. A whole lot of them in fact.

You just told me "I'm giving you time to think about your problems."
You told me not to compare you to your past.
The 'better' you.
Comparisons are easily done once you've a taste of perfection.

You told others the issues that should just be between both of us.
I did too, but at least NOT to people that both of us know.

I am.
Beyond.
Disappointed.
In.
You.

I'm sorry.
I did behaved like a bitch.
A parasitic creature.
An insignificant fly on the wall.

Even the one last favour I asked of you seemed like it was robbing you of your soul.

I am sorry. I didn't know you despised those problems.
So fucking much.
I didn't know you despised me.
So much.

All those you said,
you made me wonder if they were all lies.

When I needed you most,
you left me.

There was good memories, no doubt.
In the past;

You gave me light when I was stuck in a dark and endless tunnel, directionless.
You gave me hope like how food and money is to a beggar.
You made me feel that living on this Earth is worth it.

Not anymore. 

My coping mechanism, once again, is to escape.
I am... numb.

My heart has hardened.
It no longer beats. Not for anything, not for anyone.

I am not eating.
Yesterday, I lost 2kg. Today, I lost another kg. 
It seems good.
I feel myself getting thinner.
It doesn't feel good, but it doesn't feel worse either.
At least you won't be there seeing me packing on the pounds, and telling me how I'll get fat from excessive fast food.

I'm not anorexic, but food repulses me, right now.
Maybe the appetite will come back to me soon, I hope.

I am not drinking.
My lips are chapped.
They are cracked.

My eyelids are heavy.
My tear ducts are incapable of producing anymore droplets of those salty-tasting liquids.
Maybe they're crying (ah, the irony) for me to stop.

Neither am I sleeping.
I'm... a zombie.

I laugh, to friends.
I smile, I tell them I am alright.
I tell my parents that the Subway sub they got me was yummy, and I loved the cookies.
But I threw all of those away while they were away and occupied with something else.
They can't notice.
I need to tell them I am alright.
I cannot be another burden to them, like how I was, to you.

I went into the kitchen.
The blades look tempting.
But no, I'm a pussy. 
I can't stand blood.

I went standing behind the windows grill.
It was dark, it was chilly.
If I was the one lying down on the grass patch below,
I wondered who would have noticed?

The one reason why I am still surviving right now is because of the reason in the first picture.
If my family and loved ones will not get hurt by my demise, I would do it.

And if I do it,
You're going to call me weak.
I am weak.

I'm sorry that my tyres are flat.
My engines are failing.
I am sorry I'm so scratched.
I'm sorry I am no longer your 'dream car'.

Spare me.
Once, and for all.

If you think you're the one only in pain, or if you're even in pain,
You're so fucking wrong.
It's a good riddance, for you, you know?
You do not have to bother about this fucking idiot over here anymore.
You don't have to force yourself to places you don't like just because I want to go.
You don't have to specially 'surprise' me to make me happy.
You don't have to tell me anything.
Anymore.

I don't have to try to hint you to give me surprises anymore.
I don't have to tell you anything.
Anymore.

Congratulations, you've made me reached 100%...
worth of not angst, not sadness, not upset...
But emptiness.

You know, this feeling that you get beyond despair?
That feeling.

I am not sure if I can still love again.

You were my first love.
Probably my last.
And never again.
I'll not love anymore.

I learnt not to believe in people.
I learnt not to trust people.
I learnt to be by myself.
I'll learn to be independent, as per your wishes.

I don't know what else you are going to tell others.
You can badmouth me.
You can bitch about me.
You can turn all my friends against me.
Afterall, I did you "injustice", it seems, by not putting myself in your shoes.

I don't care anymore.
For I'm not going to stay near anyone, anymore.
My grades proved that I need to leave DMC.
My character further insinuates that fact.
Maybe I should go, for real now.

I weren't your first love anyway.
So go love another girl.
But please, love her better, love her more than you loved me.

You tell me you can't, but you are one who is good with your words.
Who knows if those were words of superficiality?
You can certainly love again.

Goodbye, forever.

Goodbye GT, Goodbye KE, goodbye to the bunnies and dogs.
I'll miss them, even if I didn't have them.

--

What I want for is a guy, is for him to be caring, loving, protective.
You fulfilled the three.

What I don't want for in a guy, is for him to think I'm perpetually problematic, for him to break his promises, for him to think I am a wreck.
You fulfilled the above too.

What you want for in a girl, is for her to be caring, not self-centered, not constantly thinking about her own interests, somebody who would think about YOUR problems and put herself in your shoes, somebody who would give you personal space.
Sorry, I am not that girl.

I am not caring.
I am self-centered.
I constantly think of my own interests.
I can't think of your problems because I "don't think before I speak".
I am immensely clingy.
I can't put myself in your shoes.
You claimed you did, but you really didn't.

 I want somebody to be able to hold me back when I want to leave. I want him to give me a reason to stay.

Think I am heartless?
Bingo. I don't have a heart anymore.

--

It's time to start a new chapter in life.
All new.
New academics.
New friends.
New me.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Cycle.

Next time, if I buy a car, there will be some things I'd take note of.


You learn how to cherish somebody/some thing under two conditions:
1) When they're not yours
2) When they leave/are gone.

Which is why, during the pursuit, everything is so sunny, glorious.

The pursuit:


It's like working hard to earn a decent salary per month because you've a 'goal'. You wanted to buy that  luxury sports car you set your eyes on months ago. Perhaps the Ferrari/Lamborghini/whatever. It was just your dream car, 'nuff said. You worked so hard to get that car - and alas, it's finally yours! Do you still continue working hard as before? Perhaps not. You no longer have the need to.

After you get the car, there's another issue you need to be concerned about - maintenance. Other people could scratch your car. Or you could spill a drink or two in it. Maintenance "costs", aye, they are kinda hefty huh?

You pay for it to protect your precious car at first, but the costs will soon burden you over time.

The beginning:

Previously, you thought the Ferrari was basically the most perfect sports car ever.
Luxurious, rich, and an enviable item that most would be jealous about.

Just like the car, over time, the paint will start to chip off, or the engine will regress. There will be more scratches, and hey, the car is no longer as beautiful as when you first gotten it?

Ocassionally, while it gets scratched by other douchebag cars or the newest top-notch sports car, but you'd always find out where that little scratch was, and attempt to fix it. Even if you don't, you'd never fail to bring it for a check, or at least try to do something about it.

It was still your precious car, but you start to feel the pinch of maintaining it.


The downhill:
The car starts to show signs of regression. The engine isn't working as well as before. The tyres get flat because it is not properly maintained. Your car bails on you sometimes. It gets slower and you can no longer get to the same destination at the previous speed.

You realized that there are so much more problems in the engine - compared to when you first got it. It went from being perfectly silent, into producing weird noises each time you start it out. The internal engine fails in comparison to the glossy exterior it used to possess on the outside.

It goes from being your dream car into a regressing tool that starts to hinder your everyday life. Engines starts going "CHINK CLAUNG !@#$%^&*()" and utters all sorts of weird nonsense as you drive. Frankly, it annoys other drivers too.

You're frustrated, but you can't silent the engine. There's only so much you can do.

You still drive the same car to work, because you paid so much for it and it is still in usable condition, but over time, and occasionally, the tyre starts to go flat because it's no longer taken care of as much as before, and you can't get to work. You get frustrated, and finally, you start to lose it.

The car can't do anything about it either.
Neither can you.

Occasionally, you start to check out the new cars, and then you realized, perhaps your current car's value has depreciated?

You try to fix your car, but you realizes there are a lot of underlying problems.
The maintenance costs start to become... a burden.

The alternatives:
You choose not to take the car anymore, for it's just... not as good as it was before.
You store it in the garage and for getting around town, you have other alternatives. It's pretty convenient to get around these days, anyway.

You soon realize there are so many other viable options and alternatives - public transport? a new car?
Sure it takes time and money to work hard for a new car again, but as soon as you sell your previous car with the broken engine away, you'd get the other/new car so much easily now.

You debated with yourself - selling your current car away means you've no "back-up" plan to get everywhere else when public transport breaks down, and besides, you probably paid so much to get it in the first place, but you've to sell it away at a much lower price and it was just simply not worth it.

But alas, you made the painful decision - to sell it away.

Your used car gets sold to another dealer. You couldn't bear to dump it at first, but...
It is not the same dream car anymore. It is now a deserted 2nd hand car with depreciated value.
With some furnishing, the car might feel new again, but it'll take a lot of refurbishing and effort.

If other potential owners start to see the diamond in the rough and chose to reburbish it, fix the engine, change the tyres or simply reassemble it, it has the ability to become a bigger and better car. But it takes one with great patience and great amount of strength to do that.

But, only, if there's another owner who can see the value of the old and broken engine, and could commit to reburshing it, otherwise it'll just remain as a piece of scrap metal.

Old, abandoned, deserted, useless and unsold.

Current wants.

It's quite predictable, really haha.
Galaxies, unicorns and dreamcatchers.

On another note, I just completed another pair of galaxy shorts! I don't think it's as pretty as the other one (hahah look at me being very critical of myself whenever it comes to 'art') but I think it's still pretty nonetheless! Will probably put it up on sale very soon!

Itinerary for today:
(In sequential order haha)

- Collate the next batch of BOs and send to supplier.
- Do all necessary refunds on EV
- Get new stocks from supplier laterrrrrrrrrr
- Get new shorts for more projects. (YES STAY TUNED BBs)
- Satisfy my food cravings and go thrifting/photography adventure by myself
- Pack parcels at night
- Sleep!

My life is getting more and more mundane.

 It's funny how I would use to cry over this, very much like 2 weeks ago, strangely I'm perfectly sane and enjoying life the way I should now.
I think you'll be echoing the same statements too - "I find it hard to love her." I don't blame you. I don't even love myself, how do I expect anybody to do that?
Leave me.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Pet Peeves.

Top 5 pet peeves:
#1 Getting lied to.
#2 Getting accused.
#3 Broken promises
#4 Being the last to know/kept in the dark/isolated
#5 Raising my hopes, only to break them later.

You've broke #3-#5. Consecutively. Many times.

You've 2 more to go. Baby steps, baby steps.
#2, 90% #1, 100%

And it'll be over.

Awkwardness/truth hurts?

I lost the chance once to go for it. That's alright.

And I lost another chance, but that's okay. Because it's not anybody's fault and I only have my fucking self to blame. Who else to blame, right? I knew I would be expecting the same results so well, I wouldn't mind it so much.

Then, I realized you knew about it.

And you didn't want to tell me and you chose to tell somebody else.

So, what am I to you? Not "who", but "what"?

I hate myself.

I hate my awkwardness.

I am so socially awkward, it often gets me into bigger and worse situations.

Today, just now, and now.

I honestly don't care if your explanation is "Oh, I didn't want you to be disappointed." ... You mean if you waited it out to tell me, it'd cushion the pain? Don't bother telling me anymore things from now onwards then. It'd cushion all the pain in the world since I'm such a fragile little soul, right?

I do not want to be the last to know, the one having to find out for myself.

Goodbye.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Of galaxies, unicorns and glitters.

The title is as literal as it gets - of galaxies, unicorns, and glitters!
I should stop talking and start filling this space with pictures more often.
Finally a proper picture of the Galaxy shorts I've been working on!
I hope you girls like what you see! I should be working on more. These galaxy shorts are so prettttty right? *v*
 They're one of a kind too because I make sure none of my shorts looks exactly the same.

 Another Facebook shop are selling similar shorts for $80AUD then I was like ._____. GOD.

But then again, loads of efforts goes into crafting these shorts!
The base price alone for the shorts cost a lot too!
Do formspring me on how much these should be priced/the highest you would pay for this pair of shorts?
My Topshop Pegasus Crop tee that the boy bought for me after we went out for a movie after work <3
*v*
Another work-in-progress! Unicorn shorts, anyone?! *v*
These fabrics are definitely exclusive to us... we've another bulk of fabric coming in soon and all we need is... more denim shorts to work out!

Gah loving these shorts!!!1!!! :3

Polaroid Land SX-70 One-Step camera! If anybody's interested in purchase, drop me a note!
ohmyshermin@hotmail.com

Sneak peek for next collection. Also one-and-only ;)

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Just because you're an adult?

Lately, I met one of the worst "customer" of EV.  I've had minor problems/misunderstandings with other customers, and with most, we reached a compromise/understanding.

But this "customer"... she got her dad to display her some 'business legal rights' on me.

So this is how the story goes:

At approximately mid-late Jan (20th-22nd that timeframe lmao), this girl, let's just nickname her X, shall we? She purchased a blazer from me (via normal postage) and she paid promptly for the item. I was very busy with my schoolwork/exams then so I mailed her blazer out slightly later, at approximately 28th Jan, I sent out her blazer and afterwards, I e-mailed her that her blazer was already mailed and that she should be expecting it soon. All seemed fine.

During the first week of Feb, she mailed me afterwards that she did not receive her blazer. As it was mailed via normal postage, there was nothing much I can do except to ask her to wait it out. I could check with SingPost but they normally would not entertain lost normal packages. It's literally scouting out a needle out of a haystack.

I did attach a return address at the back of every parcel though and if the parcel was to be bounced back to me, I'd definitely remail it back to her. The item was mailed via normal postage and there's only this much i can do. If it's mailed via registered, at least there's a tracking number to prove and track everything.

Here comes the fiasco,

Earlier on this week, I received a very 'stern' email from X's father (or so, I would assume, since there was tons of adult-ish terms, and a very oppresive tone in the email, i would say), stating that they have not received the item for these 2 months (oh clearly, you couldn't have mailed me back earlier?) and THEY EXPECT ME TO PROVIDE PROOF OF DELIVER, ELSE THEY EXPECT ME TO EITHER REFUND THE MONEY OR TO RE-MAIL THE ITEM WITH REGISTERED POSTAGE.

Not just that, he even added another sentence of 'knowing his legal rights' because he has been in 'business long enough'. He even added that it's 'your words against the PO' to add.

Coolstorybro.jpg

You're kidding me, right?

Your daughter bought a parcel from me and chose/PAID for normal postage. Should every customer comes up to me because they lost a package from choosing normal postage and expect all of those shenanigans, I might as well jolly well shut my business down?

I answered afterwards that I am not held responsible once the item has left my hands. As item is mailed via normal postage, there is no sign of recovery/tracking. What else can I do, honestly?

I received an EVEN MORE unfriendly reply - saying that I am answering him in an unfriendly manner (joke, take a look at yourself before taking it out on me - while my tone certainly was not jolly, it was not UNFRIENDLY either), and also that I cannot 'disclaim my responsibility' simply because his daughter did not pay for registered postage. Basically, it boils down to - I *must* give out proof of delivery or get prepared to get under the "legal arms" of said father.

Thanks to this guy, I am imposing an additional 20cents charge on ALL of EV's normal mailed parcels. Sorry girls, I would very much like to absorb the costs, but it is hard work to fill out each form individually/manual work too. Plus, if 20cents starts to accumulate, it does becomes a significant amount.

Oh and let me continue - He even added phrases such as "I am in business long enough to know my legal rights" in the e-mail. His tone was certainly very friendly.

What is it with the oppressing tone of "expecting the refund", "expecting the item to be mailed via registered" since they have not received it? It is common knowledge that while normal mails are generally safe, there is still that slight chance of it going missing, and that is why registered postage exists, albeit at an additional cost of $2.25 - pay it to get a piece of your mind, sir.

Your daughter should have read the terms and conditions on EV's page. It stated loud and clear that WE HIGHLY RECOMMEND REGISTERED POSTAGE and that WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR LOST MAILS. 

I've had buyers having problems with registered postage parcels and I did help them, give them proof of delivery and etc and if eventually, if it boils down to my own mistakes/carelessness that leads to packages being lost, I did promise to refund. I also had several buyers who lost their mails/got their mails returned to me and I even remailed it back to them at my own costs (you know, I have to pay again for re-mailing...). Most were understanding.

And gurl, seriously? You had to get your dad to settle your blogshop buying experience? 2 months after you bought the item itself? Way to go! Normally, shouldn't it just involves buyers and sellers itself? How about I get my entire family involved into replying you and your dad and I am sure it'd become a celebrated debate - how jolly would that feel?

At the end of the day, my own dad started to criticize the way I handle my business (thanks, dad) and advised me to refund X before I get into "legal trouble" (wegotabadassoverhere.jpg k dad k). He also forced me to add the whole mandatory C.O.P onto EV site to prevent more of such troubles. Which is why, normal postage will now cost 20 cents more. I'm sorry, really.

This whole issue has opened my eyes to the harshness of adults and how much they think they "know it all". We, kids/children, might be young, but we're not stupid and oblivious to the reality of the whole 'adults world'. Trust that when I become an adult, which is in approximately 6 months time,  I'll definitely NOT use such oppressive and critical tones on people of younger ages.

I know I am clearly being unprofessional by posting this here but I have held the girl's name and identity anonymous. If she's guilty of it, there's nothing I can do. If the said father wants to take me for legal action based on this blog post, there's nothing I can do about it either.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

I finally decided to become less lazy.


Lo and behold! I finally decided to be less lazy and actually get to editing pictures from my DSLR and post them here! I should stop posting Instagram photos... but I can't help it haha. Instagram is so much more convenient compared to DSLR but the resolution of the photographs suckzzzzz. Oh well!

Here's some ~high quality~ images for your enjoyment.

Pictures from zee USS trip, A's birthday BBQ and random snippets of delicious goodies.

Becca's pastel coloured nails. Of which she was very proud of and kept showing off her nails the whole day HAHAHA that cute girl ah.

My three qtpies :* Gwen has an extremely unglam photo but I shall not post it up to protect her reputation ^_^v #goodfriend101

All 3 of them looks absolutely hilarious here omg.
 Idk what A was trying to do and Gwen was probably impersonating Merlion or something.
Becca's just literally LOL-ing.

Do not judge our eyebags. DO NOT. :(

Syark's face in the background HAHAHA.
Also, somebody a bit Hipster here ah! A bit only!



These two make me doubt their sexuality a lot.
Then I realized I am A's (right hand side hahaha) girlfriend.
Then it made me think whether I'm a man :(

Ice-cream cake! Cookies and cream *v*

Monday, March 12, 2012

I am a boring person.

Lately, my life has been relatively mundane.

Making another batch of galaxy shorts because I FINALLLLY found suitable shorts to work on.
Get ready to jizz in your pants.
Not the jizzful galaxy pants though.

HAHA God that was so lame.

I've also been running low on cash since this collection is not doing as well as expected.

Therefore you should support SHOPEVILVALENTINE.COM or SHOPOHGALAXY@BLOGSPOT.
Because I said so.

These pictures are basically koped from my Instagram. Damn I'm really boring. And lazy.

Results is coming out on the 20th. I DO NOT want to know my results. Please don't ask too :(

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Let's induce happy thoughts.

Let's see, this is how bipolar I am. A minute ago, I was whining about my personality flaws and now I'm gonna get all chirpy about the USS trip/one-day-job I had!

Let me just say that I went onto the roller coasters with zero hours of sleep. My body clock is insanely screwed and I'll only sleep at 6am and wake up at 3pm or later. My job started at 8.30am and I decided that I should just go without sleep. If I attempted to sleep, I'd surely oversleep. And so, I went onto Battlestar Galatica, Transformers, etc and everything without any sleep at all. Normally, I'd have died but surprisingly I was still "high" and active till my job ended at 4.30pm.

My job was to escort the Japanese kids inside USS and bring them all around the attractions... and damn, I love my little Japanese girls (wait they are not little at all, they are almost about my age, damn HAHAH)! They're incredibly well-mannered, polite and nice! They even gave me a gift! A traditional Osaka toy and origami paper :3 I miss them already, omg hahah.

My two lovely siao kias making #hippoface. The new 9Gag hippoface. Duckface is so last year.

Pictures all stolen from @Alvatronix's instagram HAHAHA.

--

Yesterday was A's VERY BELATED 19th birthday BBQ. It was really great heh, I bonded with the girls and also had a happy time with zee boy and his friends. I actually tried to barbecue for the first time ever (and not the one sitting and waiting for food to be served hahaha)! Luckily for me (and the people who were going to eat), I didn't burn anything!

No pictures yet because I am lazy/am waiting for other people to upload the pictures first HAHAH. Also because there'll be tons of my unglamorous moments :(

Manifestation of my inner thoughts.

I like to start on things way too impulsively.
I give up too easily.
Many times, all the things I used to love grows to become a dread.

I'm too reckless, too impulsive, and I suffer from a severe lack of determination.

When will I learn better?

When will I get the maturity to think things through calmly?

When will I learn not to commit such fast decisions made out of sheer impulse?

Sorry, sometimes my thoughts manifests itself into negativity and emotional angst. That's how I am.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Inspired!

Loving the little doodles simple illustrations of everyday life by Katie Evans (of hellohellodesign.tumblr). These illustrations have such a relatable and personal touch!

Pssst, she's also a graphic designer at Kate Spade too!

Ah, wished I could actually draw/illustrate something fo real :(

All below illustrations are credited to her!

Paint me a galaxy.

Who's up for some galaxy shennigans?

The following Hipster-esque photographs is not to further broadcast the fact that I'm a pseudo-Hipster but to sell off my lovely little Polaroid

(One-Step SX70! You know, the classic one with the rainbow stripe! HOW HIPSTER RIGHT?)
E-mail me at ohmyshermin@hotmail.com if you're interested in either the galaxy skirt (yes, I do customization services! Can paint on denim shorts and other common materials!) 

 Oh and I reallllllly need to know where to find more black high-waisted denims to work on! I obviously need the ones with nicer cuttings since I don't want my customers to wear shorts with gorgeous galaxy prints but ugly cuttings lol. :( 

MY SUPPLIER RAN OUT OF THOSE BLACK SHORTS AND I'M TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY, SAD. I need more for these galaxy painting works and definitely more for upcoming fabrics that will leave you girls jizzing in your pants. Not even kidding.