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Monday, February 20, 2012

Overwhelmed

Past mistakes certainly do snowballs.

I skip classes = I miss out on lessons where teachers teaches what we all need to know for exams = I am totally clueless about everything in the modules = I HAVE TO LEARN EVERYTHING FROM SCRATCH... and on my own efforts.

FML. But it's okay, I've made the decision to pick myself up so I'll stick by it. ;)

That aside, had an awesome (but simple) V-Day with zee boy, and also his 19th Birthday celebration. So old already still so act cute, hahaha, but it's okay, I like <3

Pictures later though.

And if you're reading this:

I just have one very simple question to ask you: How has it benefitted you? (This is a real question, really).

Each time, it was you who initiated it, and each time, I am left puzzled. Funnily, it always coincides with my downest/dullest moments in life, which just accumulatively, makes it worse. Coincidence, maybe, and I don't blame you, but you've no idea how much you've hurt me each time when you just... walk away.

You've your reasons, and I understand. It's mostly my fault. But for the other times, it occurred mostly, without words.

However, you gave me a heads-up before you walked away this time and I truly appreciates it.

You know, A, and the rest of my friends have asked why I was so down each time you do it. I couldn't answer at first. I start thinking of myself, my actions, and I'll keep doubting my self-ability. What I've done to make you take this course of action. Afterwards, it goes into a downwards spiral of self doubt.

How much I suck as a person, how unappealing my personality is, how much I suck also as a friend and subsequently, I become even more withdrawn than ever.

It was only through some awakening from the 'rents, A, and a whole lot of H2HTs that I was finally snapped out of my little withdrawn world. To live life.. for real. And stop withdrawing to myself each time some shit happens in school and you always just... walk away whenever that happens. I didn't need you to be there for me, because sometimes, I prefer time to myself, but when you walked away each time, it hurts. Badly.

I explained to them. I defend you. Whenever they asked "Why does she always do it? I mean, yes, you said you have your faults. Some big flaws, but she's your best friend! Shouldn't she learn to be more accepting?!"

I only reply, "Hmm, I don't know. Maybe it's my fault. She shouldn't have to put up with such a parasite, right? Seems like I am always the worse friend, so yeah. I haven't been there for her when she needed me because I was always way too consumed with my own problems"

So you laid this decision and I respect it.

Since you've made this decision, there's nothing I can do to change it. I respect it, and we can each go on with our lives. But that night, or rather, every other nights, I see things that makes you look like you still hold a 'grudge' against me? Your tweets, your retweets - call me sensitive but yes, I do believe some of them were about me?

What have I done now? I thought it was a clean slate. I never spoke any ill of you but you continued to push the limits. First time you did it, it was over Tumblr, and clearly, your friends know about it and I am reflected as a total unappreciative bitch in front of them. It's okay, I'll let it slide, because I am one.

But hey, I have not spoke ill of you. Not on ANY social media platforms nor to my friends.

But... you?

I mean, maybe you haven't said so directly, but your words implied so.

You decided this yourself, seems like it was a mutual decision to let it go, so, why don't you let it go first? Truly?

I relate the situation to my friends. I even tell them I know WHERE exactly my mistakes lies, and I see it from your P.O.V. I saw it from yours, but have you thought about mine?

One even noted "If she can't accept your flaws, then maybe, it's better off if she's without you now. Because as you said, it's not the first time. If there's this time, there will always be another. Respect her decision, let this be the last time? Because we will always have some flaws that can't be changed. But she can choose to embrace them, or not. If she doesn't, you can't change anything, can't you? So, let her be."

Maybe 'cos they are my friends, and therefore, they can relate to only my P.O.V but there's always 2 sides to a story.

Some of them even says "Again? Now she's being a drama queen" - I beg to differ - because I know you ain't like this. I said, you have your reasons and I understand, but I just can't seem to accept nor acknowledged it fully, that's all.

A even told me "I understand why she walked away." - and he proceeded to give me the reasons why so. I agreed with most of my flaws and that gave me some insight into this issue... and also allowed me to take on some form of self-improvement.

So do us both a favour, let it go if you truly want to? I respect your decision, but I also hope you honour it if it works best for both of us. I don't know how, but if it is so for you, then I believe you are right. You are always the smarter and less impulsive one anyway haha.

It's 5 years worth of friendship and if you want to just break it because it benefits both of us, tell me, and I'll also truly let it go too. Anything that works best for you, really.

You live with your life.
I live with mine?
Let it cease?

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