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Monday, February 27, 2012

Each time;

Each time I receive a complaint from customer, I feel like quitting the whole idea of a blogshop. I know I should be taking the criticisms in stride, and that there will always be nasty customers no matter what, since this is a business and you can't promise 100% satisfaction...

But it keeps hurting me that all my efforts are still going down the drain.
Down, down, down the drain.
And that perhaps, the naysayers were right.

Maybe without this blogshop in mind, I'll feel less guilty about neglecting my schoolwork, less sorry to my parents, and certainly... less sorry to myself.

Probably declaring EV on an unknown hiatus from now until I get my shit up and done.
And of course, to deal with all the current shit going on EV's email.

I'm in so much stress you guys can't imagine.

The idea of ceasing my life now seems bloody fucking tempting. But I am always too much of a pussy to do it fo real. Since I don't get to do what I love, I am not even good at what I think I should be good at doing. I am a loser, all in all. So, living... what for?

Sick;





I'm just about having one of the worst cramps I've gotten, I've got my PR and Advertising exams tomorrow and revisions are half-done (screw that, 1/4 done). I've about half of the BOs (meaning 50+ parcels) left unpacked and I'm half certain there's a C-grade-slot ready for me in Econs and there'll be no As in my result slip this sem.

And my baby is out moshing for Evanescence while I hug my 10-years-old Hello Kitty bolster curling up in pain.

Yay to life, cheers to 2012 being one of the worst years already.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Break.

Fuck fuck fuck is all I can think of.

I am a fucking fail student.

I used to be stupid. Foolish. Getting scared and withdrawn. Of course, this has led to consquences. My lecturers probably hate me now. So now, I've to put in extra efforts compared to my mates in order to pull my fuckiiiiiiiiing horrendous grades up since my attendance would have killed everything else.

I am a fucking fail blogshop owner too.

I'm trying hard to pull up my current grades and in turn, I've neglected the blogshop. Mails not getting replied to as often. I've no more energy left to reply to mails each day after studying. Sometimes, I try to go out and I feel SO guilty afterwards. I'll tell myself "Why am I out here when I should be at home fulfilling orders?"

A even tells me to stop being such a "workaholic" sometimes but HOW CAN I FUCKING STOP?! A blogshop is an ongoing commitment and since customers make payments for their items, you've to be responsible to them.

But fuck, this responsibility is getting FUCKING OVERWHELMING. I try to reply the simple mails, such as payments and verifications. I try to mail out stuff on time/as promised to them but I fail to do so becasue I have been sooooooooo tired lately.

I've been so taxed and exhausted, both physically and emotionally each day. Sometimes while studying, I slept in front of the computer till the very next day - and BAM I FORGOT TO PACK THE MAILS THAT NEEDED TO BE MAILED OUT THE DAY BEFORE. Die.

Some mails are not even replied even after 3 days because these mails require some extensive explanation/reply on my part and hence, I couldn't reply them just yet - no wonder customers are mad. I can't even tell them how fucking stressed I am while dealing with customers because I am honestly going BONKERS.

Some of them have ever changing requests on their orders, some of them deadbuys, some of them gives me wrong address, some of them encountered lost mails, some demands for refunds because they are tired of waiting/have lost mails, some demand for meet-ups at unreasonable places. I try to be as accommodating as I can, but I do get confused too and commit mistakes. I can't have so many things in my head, and no, I'm not Miss-Elastic-Woman. I can't stretch nor split myself into half.

I'd LOVE to help you guys tide through your problems, I'd love to give you all of your goods on time and deliver them straight to your doorstep fuss-free, if I could, but really.

There's currently 278 marked-as-unread mails in my inbox (Some I've read and wanted to reply as soon as I get the time too - trust me. And I reply most of the emails on-the-go, which really gets on the nerves of whoever I am out with. Would you like your friend to be checking her mails 24/7 and not paying attention to your presence? No right? Unfortunately I've irritated some of my friends for doing that) that I need to attend to but seriously, I know you customers want your stuff asap, but gimme some time, I am trying hard to give you your reply, your deserved items AND refund when needed.

The last things I would want are bad feedbacks and being known as a scammer, yet, I have some customers throwing accusations like that at me. Or even personal attacks sometimes. Some wishes doom on my blogshop - how nice.

Guys, I AM ONLY HUMAN. I'll do what needs to be done, but seriously just do give me time and don't send me an e-mail every other hour or day to check on your orders.

There's only 24 hours in a day, and there's only so much I can do.

PLEASE.

I am not purposely ignoring or not replying some of your emails, I just seriously need time to check and verify regarding your issues before I can give you a reasonable and detailed explanations. I think you guys would appreciate that much more than a generic reply, right?

Please understand, really.

The more complicated enquiries can't be answered because for one, I might not have mailed out their items - but I eventually will. Or recently the BOs ran into problems. CNY got into the way, my overseas agents AND suppliers BOTH ceased their operations and went on a 2-week-long holiday - which accounted for the major delay in the recent BOs.

There's always some problems somehow, my BOs are usually either OOS and I've to source for new suppliers... or refund, and therefore, taking a longer time for BO to arrive.

My parents, and my boyfriend and my friends keep telling me - PUT THE FUCKING BLOGSHOP ON HOLD. I've been packing mails usually from 1am - 3am in Jan. In turn, I become too tired for school the next day. Especially morning lessons. Sometimes I skip school because I was too tired and again, it led to more undesirable consquences. I tried to not pack mails as often and THEN, shit happens again - Customers start reeling in complaints that they have not been receiving their items.

Good lord.

I've not launched the items this month and honestly, my bank account $ is depleting like crazy. I've been refunding those customers who refused to wait for BOs because it's taking way too long (I understand their P.O.V but can they also understand that I, myself, have PAID for their share of goods? Now I'm left with extra stocks that no one might wants... yay).

I can't just stop the blogshop now. I can't just put it on hold and give my all for studies, no matter how much i wish for that to happen. I wish I could, then my GPA could see some new positive light. Unfortunately, this blogshop is an ongoing commitment and I've people to answer too. Simple as that. So I've stress coming in from all sources. Customers, and my parents, friends and boyfriend. Sure, my boyfriend and friends tell me they don't mind, and that they understand and encourage me to hang on but really, I DO FEEL BAD, you know?

Many times, I've overestimated my level of endurance/tolerance. I keep pushing myself to study through the night and I'll pack the mails before I sleep. My mother sees that it's taking a toll on me to mail out packages and she's helping to mail now, but there's only so much she can do, and I feel bad that she has to help me even though she's busy with her own work too. I still have to be the one that pack the mails - and no, I can't hire a packer just yet. My house is a mess and I think even a packer would want to kill herself over this.

Hiring people to help for e-mails and payment verifications are even a BIGGER NO-NO. Due to the sensitive nature of both accounts.

TEACH ME HOW TO TIDE THROUGH THIS SHIT.

I'm truly sorry for ranting.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Overwhelmed

Past mistakes certainly do snowballs.

I skip classes = I miss out on lessons where teachers teaches what we all need to know for exams = I am totally clueless about everything in the modules = I HAVE TO LEARN EVERYTHING FROM SCRATCH... and on my own efforts.

FML. But it's okay, I've made the decision to pick myself up so I'll stick by it. ;)

That aside, had an awesome (but simple) V-Day with zee boy, and also his 19th Birthday celebration. So old already still so act cute, hahaha, but it's okay, I like <3

Pictures later though.

And if you're reading this:

I just have one very simple question to ask you: How has it benefitted you? (This is a real question, really).

Each time, it was you who initiated it, and each time, I am left puzzled. Funnily, it always coincides with my downest/dullest moments in life, which just accumulatively, makes it worse. Coincidence, maybe, and I don't blame you, but you've no idea how much you've hurt me each time when you just... walk away.

You've your reasons, and I understand. It's mostly my fault. But for the other times, it occurred mostly, without words.

However, you gave me a heads-up before you walked away this time and I truly appreciates it.

You know, A, and the rest of my friends have asked why I was so down each time you do it. I couldn't answer at first. I start thinking of myself, my actions, and I'll keep doubting my self-ability. What I've done to make you take this course of action. Afterwards, it goes into a downwards spiral of self doubt.

How much I suck as a person, how unappealing my personality is, how much I suck also as a friend and subsequently, I become even more withdrawn than ever.

It was only through some awakening from the 'rents, A, and a whole lot of H2HTs that I was finally snapped out of my little withdrawn world. To live life.. for real. And stop withdrawing to myself each time some shit happens in school and you always just... walk away whenever that happens. I didn't need you to be there for me, because sometimes, I prefer time to myself, but when you walked away each time, it hurts. Badly.

I explained to them. I defend you. Whenever they asked "Why does she always do it? I mean, yes, you said you have your faults. Some big flaws, but she's your best friend! Shouldn't she learn to be more accepting?!"

I only reply, "Hmm, I don't know. Maybe it's my fault. She shouldn't have to put up with such a parasite, right? Seems like I am always the worse friend, so yeah. I haven't been there for her when she needed me because I was always way too consumed with my own problems"

So you laid this decision and I respect it.

Since you've made this decision, there's nothing I can do to change it. I respect it, and we can each go on with our lives. But that night, or rather, every other nights, I see things that makes you look like you still hold a 'grudge' against me? Your tweets, your retweets - call me sensitive but yes, I do believe some of them were about me?

What have I done now? I thought it was a clean slate. I never spoke any ill of you but you continued to push the limits. First time you did it, it was over Tumblr, and clearly, your friends know about it and I am reflected as a total unappreciative bitch in front of them. It's okay, I'll let it slide, because I am one.

But hey, I have not spoke ill of you. Not on ANY social media platforms nor to my friends.

But... you?

I mean, maybe you haven't said so directly, but your words implied so.

You decided this yourself, seems like it was a mutual decision to let it go, so, why don't you let it go first? Truly?

I relate the situation to my friends. I even tell them I know WHERE exactly my mistakes lies, and I see it from your P.O.V. I saw it from yours, but have you thought about mine?

One even noted "If she can't accept your flaws, then maybe, it's better off if she's without you now. Because as you said, it's not the first time. If there's this time, there will always be another. Respect her decision, let this be the last time? Because we will always have some flaws that can't be changed. But she can choose to embrace them, or not. If she doesn't, you can't change anything, can't you? So, let her be."

Maybe 'cos they are my friends, and therefore, they can relate to only my P.O.V but there's always 2 sides to a story.

Some of them even says "Again? Now she's being a drama queen" - I beg to differ - because I know you ain't like this. I said, you have your reasons and I understand, but I just can't seem to accept nor acknowledged it fully, that's all.

A even told me "I understand why she walked away." - and he proceeded to give me the reasons why so. I agreed with most of my flaws and that gave me some insight into this issue... and also allowed me to take on some form of self-improvement.

So do us both a favour, let it go if you truly want to? I respect your decision, but I also hope you honour it if it works best for both of us. I don't know how, but if it is so for you, then I believe you are right. You are always the smarter and less impulsive one anyway haha.

It's 5 years worth of friendship and if you want to just break it because it benefits both of us, tell me, and I'll also truly let it go too. Anything that works best for you, really.

You live with your life.
I live with mine?
Let it cease?