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Monday, January 23, 2012

This is not an angsty post... (FINALLY)

... Because honestly I am not angsty right now. In fact, this is going to become a very insightful and reflective post. Or so, I hope.

(Note: This is going to be a VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY WORDY post. Tl;dr)

I learnt a lot of things from last Friday. A lot of things. Life lessons, perhaps? Or maybe not. All about family, friendship and love.

Lesson no. 1; Flaws.

I an constantly living in a self-centered bubble. An "It's-about-about-me" world. I am mostly ignorant of how (much) I've hurt others.

At the same time, I get hurt in the same process too. What hurts me the most is that, nobody ever tells me how much i've hurt them until the desperate times call for it. They think I don't care, but I do. I know, I know, these are just words and not legit actions, yes I know but these are words that come from the bottom of my heart. I know I am not the most perfect person/friend/daughter/girlfriend to have around, but I try, I really do.

When I do things or hide things from others, it's mostly because I think it'd be beneficial for them not to know. But sometimes, I guess I am wrong.

At times, I become immature, rude, unappreciative or show complete lack of concern or respect, I know it too honestly. I realized my flaws. Some, I can't change, because that's just me and a leopard never changes its spots, but for some other bad traits, I am changing. I might not be doing it well enough yet, but I am trying. What I ask for from others is that, whenever I do something wrong, please tell me. If the things said about me are constructive criticism, I'll take it in my stride and try to improve myself from it. Maybe, I'd be angry at first, but I'll get over it. Some people did tell me about my flaws in-my-face before, and I am grateful to them for it.

When I hear of ill things being said about me... Sure, I do get a little hurt, and occassionally pissed off if I hear some untrue stuff or when they put words into my mouth. But at the same time, I ponder about whatever I have done to give rise to their warped perception of me and change myself from there.

From the September '11 incident till now, I've changed, or so, I am changing. Undergoing a subtle metamophorsis. For better or for worse, I don't know. The end results are still a question mark.

I take their "ill" words into consideration and try to improve and become a better person. I tried, but really, nobody ever sees that. Most of the times, they don't, at least. Not the family, not the friends and not even the one you love.

Most of the people wouldn't tell you about your flaws in your face. Instead, most prefer to compliment. It's not because they don't see your bad sides, they do. But they just prefer to tell you about the good parts. Why? Because truth hurts. They are afraid of seeing your response, your reaction and whether you might blame them for that. Sometimes you take it like a boss, or you just crumble straight under the overwhelming reality.

But I am learning to act more like the former.

Lesson no. 2: Independence and maturity.

I need to become more independent and to acquire a new sense of maturity that should come with my age. Independence, ah such an abstract term. What does it means really? To learn how to live independently is not just about earning a stable income for your own lifestyle, it's also about learning how to deal with your own problems and to stand up on your own feet.

For all these years, I've been living under a sheltered environment, unaware of how fortunate I am. Many people are worse-off. As a result of such circumstances, I've grown to become too dependent on others. Too dependent on my parents to set the path(s) right for me, too dependent on A to be there for me, too dependent on V to stand by me... Sometimes, it even goes to the extent whereby I treat their concern for me as granted.

Well, all in all, I need to become less dependent on others and most importantly, to not be so emotionally weak. Nobody can be there forever, nor 24/7. The strongest one survives, indeed. To be a survivor on this man-eats-man dimension, we've to learn to be strong. Not physically, but mentally.

Also, sometimes being alone helps one to learn better. It helps us to come to epiphanies and realizations. Much like, right now.

I know my flaws: Two major personality flaws of mine (and not just limited to these), are that I am very self-centered/immature and that I am an escapist. In fact, I think I have more flaws than strengths. I know I expect too much from others and I don't even treat them back the same way they treated me. I am very unappreciative of others.

But, I'm going to change.

Lesson no. 3:
Being an escapist doesn't solves the problem. You just run away from the said problem. It does not remove the root of the problem nor the problem itself. The problem does not solve itself if you just escape from it.

You need to learn how to unknot yourself from the troubles, then you'll learn and emerge as a better individual. I've faced countless amount of troubles/problems this year and all I've learnt is to escape, escape and escape. I am a fucking escapist. As a result, almost everything snowballed into a big ball of mess, and what do I do after that? ESCAPE, AGAIN. Either that, or I seek emotional refuge in others or wallow in self-pity. Again and again. I know it doesn't help, but I do it nonetheless.

From now onwards, I am going to become stronger. More mature. Not for anybody but for myself.

Whenever I faces problems in life, I shun away from both the PROBLEMS and everybody around me, including my loved ones who try to stretch out a helping hand towards me. It's a... "me" thing. Many times, people have gotten exasperated at trying to get to me and I just reject their help all the way. Some give up trying, some don't. Some sticked around, some didn't.

I appreciate all nonetheless. But I don't show it.

And I'm sorry to those whom have tried so hard but I rejected their help. Sometimes, the problems consume me as a whole. I don't even want to talk about it, not to anybody, not even to myself.

Lesson no.3: Life's not just about sunshine, rainbows, unicorns and myself.

I try to see the best in others. I am Team "I-Believe-Everybody-is-Born-Good" when it comes to such life theories. Some people become "bad" but I believe it's due to the environment around them and the things they've been subjected to since young. Some are victims of circumstances, while some aren't.

For me, I see the good side in everybody around me, and I do not deliberately try to find out about the flaws in others. In fact, I try to remain ignorant of those ill thoughts as much as possible. What for? They start to cloud your perspectives, your perception of the others, or even the world.

I personally do not see any/much flaws about a lot of my loved ones, I see their good sides and I rely on that to view them. Not because I am blinded, but because I am genuinely think so. Sure, little flaws here and there, but those are negligent and tolerable ones. But I am afraid, this feeling isn't mutual.

Some try to dig out the worst parts of you, and those weaknesses of yours starts to overcomes your strengths and bit by bit, they start to think you're a bad person, by nature. They start to harp upon your flaws day and night with complete ignorance about your strengths.

Some sees and knows about about my bad side, and they choose to ignore it but... some don't. Occasionally, I do see the bad sides of others because it is only human nature, but to me, most of those flaws are negligent. I forgive and forget whenever it comes to my loved ones. However, I've never came across anybody whom I think is bad, and thoroughly bad.

All in all,

It's not a fluffy world out there, and I should stop hiding around whenever the bad times come around.

Finally...

Whatever I've penned down here might once again seems like just... words, but I'm going to act of them. With effect from, now.

The only constant is indeed, change.

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