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Monday, January 30, 2012

Out of sight, out of mind.

Jaded.
Stoned.
Misunderstood.
This is a hellhole.

People misunderstanding my words, misconstructing my intentions, misinterpreting my actions. Sometimes, my intentions were good but they come across as being expressed incorrectly, it turned out to be some devilish attempt of mine to screw things over.

But it's okay.
I'll hang on.
Do what I think is right. I've a brain, and I've a conscience. I'll just continue doing what I think is right, regardless of what the judgements people place on me.

I've committed mistakes and if people don't want to accept me for the changed person (still not the best I can be, but I'm trying) I'm now, there's nothing I can do to change their minds. At least I know, to myself, that I'm trying, and that's good enough.

When I try to change, people don't see it. That's okay, because I don't expect them to. I know myself that I am indeed changing for the better. Baby steps, but yes, I'm trying.

It's only human nature for them/others to feel this way. I put themselves in their shoes and goddamit bitch I'll give myself two fucking tight slaps.

2012 has been really bad to me already.

Tataz.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

hit the lights.





1. Galaxy Deer Sweater from zee supplier. So pretty irl *v*
I am contemplating to put it on EV for sale but it'll be soooo expensive lmao I swear. Probably $69.90. ABSOLUTELY PREMIUM QUALITY I CAN LIVE IN IT FOR DAYS/WEEKS OK. :B

2&3. Zee galaxy-painted high waist shorts. Realllllly pretty too heh heh. I wore one pair out for a short while and received tons of compliments. :3 The shorts are handmade/handpainted by me and zee boy!

Probably will be up on EV, stay tuned!

4. Waffles @ Salted Caramel with A. Heh heh my waffles looks so colourful.

Postponing EV's next launch. Meh. :/

Monday, January 23, 2012

This is not an angsty post... (FINALLY)

... Because honestly I am not angsty right now. In fact, this is going to become a very insightful and reflective post. Or so, I hope.

(Note: This is going to be a VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY WORDY post. Tl;dr)

I learnt a lot of things from last Friday. A lot of things. Life lessons, perhaps? Or maybe not. All about family, friendship and love.

Lesson no. 1; Flaws.

I an constantly living in a self-centered bubble. An "It's-about-about-me" world. I am mostly ignorant of how (much) I've hurt others.

At the same time, I get hurt in the same process too. What hurts me the most is that, nobody ever tells me how much i've hurt them until the desperate times call for it. They think I don't care, but I do. I know, I know, these are just words and not legit actions, yes I know but these are words that come from the bottom of my heart. I know I am not the most perfect person/friend/daughter/girlfriend to have around, but I try, I really do.

When I do things or hide things from others, it's mostly because I think it'd be beneficial for them not to know. But sometimes, I guess I am wrong.

At times, I become immature, rude, unappreciative or show complete lack of concern or respect, I know it too honestly. I realized my flaws. Some, I can't change, because that's just me and a leopard never changes its spots, but for some other bad traits, I am changing. I might not be doing it well enough yet, but I am trying. What I ask for from others is that, whenever I do something wrong, please tell me. If the things said about me are constructive criticism, I'll take it in my stride and try to improve myself from it. Maybe, I'd be angry at first, but I'll get over it. Some people did tell me about my flaws in-my-face before, and I am grateful to them for it.

When I hear of ill things being said about me... Sure, I do get a little hurt, and occassionally pissed off if I hear some untrue stuff or when they put words into my mouth. But at the same time, I ponder about whatever I have done to give rise to their warped perception of me and change myself from there.

From the September '11 incident till now, I've changed, or so, I am changing. Undergoing a subtle metamophorsis. For better or for worse, I don't know. The end results are still a question mark.

I take their "ill" words into consideration and try to improve and become a better person. I tried, but really, nobody ever sees that. Most of the times, they don't, at least. Not the family, not the friends and not even the one you love.

Most of the people wouldn't tell you about your flaws in your face. Instead, most prefer to compliment. It's not because they don't see your bad sides, they do. But they just prefer to tell you about the good parts. Why? Because truth hurts. They are afraid of seeing your response, your reaction and whether you might blame them for that. Sometimes you take it like a boss, or you just crumble straight under the overwhelming reality.

But I am learning to act more like the former.

Lesson no. 2: Independence and maturity.

I need to become more independent and to acquire a new sense of maturity that should come with my age. Independence, ah such an abstract term. What does it means really? To learn how to live independently is not just about earning a stable income for your own lifestyle, it's also about learning how to deal with your own problems and to stand up on your own feet.

For all these years, I've been living under a sheltered environment, unaware of how fortunate I am. Many people are worse-off. As a result of such circumstances, I've grown to become too dependent on others. Too dependent on my parents to set the path(s) right for me, too dependent on A to be there for me, too dependent on V to stand by me... Sometimes, it even goes to the extent whereby I treat their concern for me as granted.

Well, all in all, I need to become less dependent on others and most importantly, to not be so emotionally weak. Nobody can be there forever, nor 24/7. The strongest one survives, indeed. To be a survivor on this man-eats-man dimension, we've to learn to be strong. Not physically, but mentally.

Also, sometimes being alone helps one to learn better. It helps us to come to epiphanies and realizations. Much like, right now.

I know my flaws: Two major personality flaws of mine (and not just limited to these), are that I am very self-centered/immature and that I am an escapist. In fact, I think I have more flaws than strengths. I know I expect too much from others and I don't even treat them back the same way they treated me. I am very unappreciative of others.

But, I'm going to change.

Lesson no. 3:
Being an escapist doesn't solves the problem. You just run away from the said problem. It does not remove the root of the problem nor the problem itself. The problem does not solve itself if you just escape from it.

You need to learn how to unknot yourself from the troubles, then you'll learn and emerge as a better individual. I've faced countless amount of troubles/problems this year and all I've learnt is to escape, escape and escape. I am a fucking escapist. As a result, almost everything snowballed into a big ball of mess, and what do I do after that? ESCAPE, AGAIN. Either that, or I seek emotional refuge in others or wallow in self-pity. Again and again. I know it doesn't help, but I do it nonetheless.

From now onwards, I am going to become stronger. More mature. Not for anybody but for myself.

Whenever I faces problems in life, I shun away from both the PROBLEMS and everybody around me, including my loved ones who try to stretch out a helping hand towards me. It's a... "me" thing. Many times, people have gotten exasperated at trying to get to me and I just reject their help all the way. Some give up trying, some don't. Some sticked around, some didn't.

I appreciate all nonetheless. But I don't show it.

And I'm sorry to those whom have tried so hard but I rejected their help. Sometimes, the problems consume me as a whole. I don't even want to talk about it, not to anybody, not even to myself.

Lesson no.3: Life's not just about sunshine, rainbows, unicorns and myself.

I try to see the best in others. I am Team "I-Believe-Everybody-is-Born-Good" when it comes to such life theories. Some people become "bad" but I believe it's due to the environment around them and the things they've been subjected to since young. Some are victims of circumstances, while some aren't.

For me, I see the good side in everybody around me, and I do not deliberately try to find out about the flaws in others. In fact, I try to remain ignorant of those ill thoughts as much as possible. What for? They start to cloud your perspectives, your perception of the others, or even the world.

I personally do not see any/much flaws about a lot of my loved ones, I see their good sides and I rely on that to view them. Not because I am blinded, but because I am genuinely think so. Sure, little flaws here and there, but those are negligent and tolerable ones. But I am afraid, this feeling isn't mutual.

Some try to dig out the worst parts of you, and those weaknesses of yours starts to overcomes your strengths and bit by bit, they start to think you're a bad person, by nature. They start to harp upon your flaws day and night with complete ignorance about your strengths.

Some sees and knows about about my bad side, and they choose to ignore it but... some don't. Occasionally, I do see the bad sides of others because it is only human nature, but to me, most of those flaws are negligent. I forgive and forget whenever it comes to my loved ones. However, I've never came across anybody whom I think is bad, and thoroughly bad.

All in all,

It's not a fluffy world out there, and I should stop hiding around whenever the bad times come around.

Finally...

Whatever I've penned down here might once again seems like just... words, but I'm going to act of them. With effect from, now.

The only constant is indeed, change.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Late night muses;

All the what ifs.
All the regrets.
All the infinite possibilities.

Sometimes, I really wanna escape into another world. Another dimension perhaps. Or to get a time machine. To un-do things so that one incident wouldn't snowball into many other issues that are killing me bits by bits inside.

The most ideal place to be, would be a place where I can't see nor hear the ugliness (by that, I don't mean it physically nor appearance-wise) in this world.

Or better still, I wished that I'd have never been born. This constant feeling of suppression and suffocation is really turning me into a living zombie. You know, I am kind of wishing that the Mayans' prophecy for this year would become a reality.

All I remembered yesterday was all the visuals that could have translated into reality. If it had, I probably wouldn't even be typing this post right now.

People say there's always a solution to all the problems in this world. Now now now... There's two kinds. The one to end it for eternity or the one to end it for good. The type of solution chosen would have to depend on the complexity of the issue(s) and the individuals involved.

Thank you;

For being there to dry my tears
For being there for me when I had no one else, when everybody else have given up on me.
For being there to hush me.
For helping me to fight my inner demons.
For being there to help me fight this battle.
For (trying to) cheer(ing) me up.
For telling me that everything's okay, as long as you're here with me.

Last but not least, thank you for not giving up on me despite all my multiple breakdowns in all these months.

"If a boy can't a handle a girl at her worst, he surely can't deserve her at her best."
You managed to handle me at my worst, slowly bringing me back to the top.

I love you, A;
The best boyfriend ever.

And thank you to V, my best friend, if you still consider me as one.

I know you've been facing a lot of problems in school, family and life, and yet you're constantly the stronger one, the better friend. Able to take them all even when you're succumbing to your own problems and even when you're under such circumstances. You're constantly on the lookout for me, to check on my welfare.

I am sorry for being the weaker and useless friend.

Your probably thought that our friendship has become weaker and that we drifted, but thats inevitable, especially since we are in different schools now. I hope that you know, sometimes I hide my problems from you, it's not because I no longer regard you as a best friend but it's because I don't want to become another burden. That's why I would rather tell A about them instead. You're facing your own battle, I shouldn't add another war to that, right? I feel useless for not being entirely there for you through your ordeals/problems. I hope that you know I care, no matter how much it doesn't seems so.

I am really, really sorry.

Upcoming











Upcoming stuff to expect in EV's Feb Collection~~~
EV IS ALSO TURNING 1 YEAR OLD IN FEB/MAR! :D

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

2011 in a nutshell.

Let me bore you with a trip down memory lane and allow me to relinquish all my favourite moments

January 2011:
- Got back O Levels results. 11 points, yay! Way better than I expected. I was expecting 15 points at best.
- Applied for Diploma in Media and Communication at SP. Well, Ngee Ann's Mass Comm was my first choice but I knew that I wasn't going to get in. I was just basing everything on luck.
- Working working working like a busy bee. Curse you, M&S.
- Started getting into fashion. I was already interested in fashion before but this is the time when I started getting serious.
- Had a really irritating eye sty/chalazion that bugged the hell out of me.

... And OH! My English was REALLLLLY good back then? Omg I think my command of the language sucks in comparison now. Let me extract one quote from my Jan'11 archives:
"In a enigmatic way, I'm afraid of overwhelming amounts of happiness and goodness in my life. When life gets too good, you'd desperately want things to remain like the way they're because you've already tasted the best. When you fall from grace, you fall hard. In the famous words of... a certain great somebody who spewed out these words... "Change is the only Constant"."

- Cheemgurl94.


February 2011:
- My virgin trip to USS with Emma, Des and Boss! HAHAHAH.
- Made the decision to start up EVIL VALENTINE together with Linglin. Started it on Livejournal, but as you can tell, it progressed to SHOPEVILVALENTINE.COM now.
- My first time setting a flea booth as well! It was FLB5 if my memory didn't fail me. Dayum sales were so good!



March 2011:
- After getting the stocks for EV during Feb, we started on the photoshoot and doing up the website. Basically, the works to prep it for the official launch! Yes, I modelled, don't laugh :'( I KNOW I LOOK FUCKING UGLY OK :(

THEN THE OFFICIAL LAUNCH!



- Busy with work work work
- This was a rather boring month, I'd say. Or rather, I didn't blog that much.

April 2011:
- POLY STARTED.
= ALL 6 MONTHS OF POST O-LEVELS HOLIDAYING ARE OVER. MAJOR BOO :(
- Started entertaining thoughts of ending EV because sales was still horrible after 1 month into operations, plus school started but I ceased those thoughts because I couldn't bear to :(

May 2011:
- School
- EV
- School
- EV
(Yes my life was fucking exciting in May hahaha)

(inserts picture here cause i think it's one of the classic photos that I think I look nice in!)

June 2011:
- Another flea (FLB6), and EV's sales were finally getting decent/close to breaking even! Yay!
- Officially knew A from Wakeboard camp, I think? Omg we were so fucking awkward then haha.
- The boring and mundane cycle repeats. I'll just pick out the nice pictures to post here hehe.


July 2011:
- HuiHsian's 17th birthday over @ WCP! A day well-spent with my secondary school kakis <3
- Started dating A after he confessed to me that he liked me. Hehehehe. :* <3
- Bought my first pair of DMs!



August 2011:
- Way too busy with school to give a fuck about everything else.

HENCE NO PICTURES

September 2011:

- Dipdyed/Bleached my hair ends haha.
- Went for A's gig for the first time. It was 4th September, hmm.
It was also the same day I got hurt really badly by another group of people... but also the first time I said "I love you." to him because he offered me so much help.
- My 17th birthday. It was magical and absolutely fairytale-like thanks to A. <3
24th September was also the same day whereby we finally decided to get into a serious relationship.
- ... And FLB7! It was on the same day as my birthday.

It was overall, one of my most well-loved yet hated month of the year, lol.


October 2011:

- Vicious cycle repeats itself again. Started NOT GIVING A FUCK ABOUT SCHOOL ANYMORE. I had 0% of interest left in the modules of the Semester. Loads of friendship troubles. Coupled together with the complete disinterest I've for schoolwork/module/assignments, I started skipping school way too frequently.

Even if I was present, I was fucking late.

- Wanted to dress up as a kitty for Halloween but I failed because... I was sick on that day itself.


December 2011:
- Sixth month mark on the 2nd with B :3 Had a good celebration that day!
- Xmas, made him the cutest gift ever. :3 <3 He wrote me another song tooooooo and it was an incredibly cute one heh.
- NYE (More on that in another blog post hehe)



After reviewing these photos and my archives from 2011...

All I can say is... WOW TIME FUCKING FLIES.
People are really not kidding when they said a year passes with the blink of an eye. 2011 was filled with a lot of happy yet angsty moments. It was... hmm, how do I say this, a bittersweet one?

I've high hopes for 2012.

Don't let me down, 2012. :b

Monday, January 2, 2012

Photos from everywhere








01. Me escaping the camp woes by feigning illness (HAHAH) and retreated back to my own bunk/dorm to camwhore at my own comfort ^___^v

02. Xmas with da boy (:

03-05. MBS with the family! Room service and a really adorable movie (Despicable Me, though I already watched it before haha) to top it off. Will probably blog more about that another time (: Our family ended up in chuckles & giggles that night. Even my mom slept late/sorta "ton" with us when she's known to be the earliest sleeper in our family haha. So cute.

Just a random update since all my photos are piling up but I am too busy with EV to blog regularly... sigh. I wanted to do a "2011 in a nutshell" post but evidently, a day doesn't have 48 hours so that is pretty much impossible right now asdfghjkl; SCHOOL IS STARTING TODAY/TOMORROW. HOLIDAYS Y U NO EXTEND YOURSELF?!

---

COLLECTION 11: DESERT FOX AT SHOPEVLVALENTINE.COM IS LAUNCHED!

With the very very very very very pretty model, Eunice. (God knows how inferior I felt during the photo-shoot and editing the photos for the launch HAHAH)

Go over now!


Sunday, January 1, 2012

New year, new me...

...

Not. I am still the same person I was on 31st December 2011, 11.59pm and 2 minutes later, at 1st January, 12.01am haha.

BUT HERE'S SOME DEDICATIONS TO END OFF THE YEAR ON A GOOD NOTE :3

This year (2011) has been... the toughest yet happiest year in my life.

The year that I cried the most yet, also
The year I laughed the most.
The year where I truly realized the word "Love".
(Yes, damn cheesy, SHOOT ME PLEASE)

Being in SP/DMC has changed me a lot. Partly for the better, and partly for the worst. My already non-existent self-discipline is gone with the wind because of the "freedom" this year. But yet, at the same time, it has taught me to be more independent, more tolerant and that I've to be responsible for my own actions (and also others, in some cases) and to be aware of the consequences in whatever I do.

Life lessons actually. Basically, being in this new school taught me that when life throws you lemons, you can't just make lemonades. You have to make the best lemonades around in town and serve them with pride. /ceasemylifelessons101eulogy here lmao.

ANYHOO, DEDICATIONS TIME.

MY PARENTS:
MUMMY & PAPA <3

I am sorry I always infuriate and annoy you guys. I always push the limits and I am not particularly serious in my work/studies half the time. I know I'm a mess and the worst daughter to have around. Bad-tempered, irresponsible, rude, yes I know it. I piss you guys off 3/4 of the time we're at home.

BUT I LOVE YOU 2 SO MUCH :( You two are not the best parents around in the world, but you're the BEST PAIR OF PARENTS FOR ME.

The little things and the sacrifices you two made for me & korkor, I see it all. I feel it in my hear too~ <3

I love you, Mommy and Papa. :)

... Yes, I call my dad as "Papa" and not "Daddy". Papa sounds more... heartfelt in a sense :3

DMC01

We've had our fair share of misunderstandings within the class too, but it's the BEST class I can ever ask for. I love how tight we are even amongst the cliques. Couldn't have asked for a better class.


VTKT.
Affectionately known as my bitch.

HAHAH I kid.

My bestie of 5 fucking years and we're still going as strong as ever. We've had our fair share of problems this year but I guess the bond we shared still conquered those itty bitty bits of unhappiness.

HAY BITCH I LOVE YOU.
EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE A BITCH.
BUT I STILL LOVE YOU. HAHAHAH.

I know this year has been rather tough on you too, with all kinds of shit thrown at you from all areas of life. I know I haven't exactly been the best best-friend one can has in those circumstances of yours, because I can't dish out adequate advices or provide enough comfort to you... and I just can't relate to it (as much) as I thought I should have.

But, I love you and your stupid antics, your bitchiness, your tolerance for my perpetual latecomings, our Gongcha, "Ketchup and Chilli" (inside joke) times, how you stood by me in my ~toughest times (you know what...), how you always dish out the most logical advice to the stupidest questions I ask, your... aiya I stop being mushy la, I just love your ~eberythang~


CLL
Also affectionately known as 00 or... my other bitch hahaha.

Even though you speak like a machine gun. You look damn fierce leh but as I quote from you, "I am actually soft like a squishy little tofu"... ok yes you are.

I love you and your sarcasm (though it still doesn't beats mine MUAHAHAH). How you and I always hate the same people. Although you always say I am short and that I've been growing horizontally these days... piss me off sometimes I still love you muchie muchie. Belly much actually.

I love that you genuinely care and love the people around you, I love that you are always interested/having a listening ear to whatever I've to say, I also love that you've stood by me in one of my hardest times in 2010. I also love that you're as gila/siaodingdong/shenjingbing as me when it comes to TOTALLY IMPROMPTU plans, shopping and how we always diss certain people hahahah. Wo ai ni~~~*~*~*



THIS GLENNY.
So busy with NAFA sigh :(

Want to catch-up with herrrrr but also cannot D: But I'll always love her BHB-ness and cuteness HAHAHAH. Love the times I spent with her and Ling/00~ <3 Basically the only other friend I kept from 4C besides Ling lol. The others... as good as gone.

AND...

HH (Cannot find a picture atm so maybe later :b)

I miss this girl so much :( Sigh, we've drifted because she's so busy with school too. Always such a sisterly figure to me~ <3 She's like the sister I never had? :( I want to kick my brother away and keep her instead~

GRS
Grassroot Service! <3
(YAY ALL OF US WEARING BLUE IN THIS PHOTO AHAHHA TOOK ME SOME TIME TO FOUND THIS)

My babygurlzzzz who have stuck it through 2011 with me~ <3 New best budz that I've found in DMC01 this year despite all the misunderstandings/conflicts we've all had with each other. I love how all of you gave me a helping hand when I was at my weakest and also gave me the comfort I needed. While I can't say the new year will wipe off every bad memory, but it'll definitely refresh this friendship of ours~

AJA AJA FIGHTING TO 3.2 AND ABOVE GPA LOL WE CAN DO IT BBGURLZZZZZZZ <3


ALVIN TAN WAI KIT.
A.k.a the love of my life (HAHAHA), Budbud (HAHAHAH), Puiguai, B, and other nicknames hahahaha (His nicknames are all damn funny ok)

You cheeky little "bastard", I love you so much you don't even know.

The best memories I've had in 2011 was with you. <3 Thank you for not giving up on me even when the whole world have left. Thank you for helping me to get back on my feet. Thank you for not abandoning me. Thank you for being my Pillar.

B, You're the best boyfriend anybody can ever get. I love how you're so fiercely protective of me, sometimes even overly so. :) I love how witty, sarcastic, eloquent, talented, musically-inclined, caring, loving, responsible you're (+ the fact that you can cook! <3). Compared to you, my strengths are worth nothing. Sometimes, I wonder what you see in me. Because I see so much more in you that I don't have.

And B, you're so adorably childish sometimes. Not that I mind of course. :)
I love you and I love how we spent the last moments of 2011 and the first moments of 2012 together.

The kiss that we shared while the fireworks sparked off in the background is definitely the cherry on top of the amazing day we already had. :*

Wow I successfully dug out all my fugly photos to finish this post. I HOPE YOU'VE "FEASTED" YOUR EYES.

I am not going to make any NY resolutions because I know I am not going to fulfill them, but I do have a few wishes:

1) My studies to get back on track. It has been getting terribly off-track lately.
2) EV to huat ah!
3) Me and B to spend 2012-2013 countdown together too! <3
4) My parents, friends and loved ones to stay healthy and happy. :)
5) Happiness for myself. :) This is subjective, but, oh well.

That's all for now :D