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Friday, December 16, 2011

Constant battle.

A constant battle with my self-esteem.

"She's pretty. I am not." "She's smart. I am not." "She's so... (inserts positive adjective/noun here)... and I am just not."

List of things I hate about myself: The way I look. The way I dress. The way I speak. The way I do things. The way I behave in front of others/strangers.

Everything. But mainly, the way I look.

Sometimes, I feel that I look okay enough. Sometimes, I feel like I look pretty decent. Those are the better times. I have never felt "extraordinarily pretty" in my life before. The worst of all is, make-up just don't really look good on me. I'm one of those girls that looks better without make-up.

Most of the other times, I'd be questioning my looks. I think I frustrate A with my 'HI-I-THINK-I-LOOK-UGLY' periodical rants. But it's the truth. My facial features. My body. Everything. They're just not... 'perfect'. I know I shouldn't be pursuing perfection in my looks since no one is born with a perfect face/body, but... well, Thoughts like this flashes past every single day "Why do you have such ugly teeth?", "Why are your dark eye circles and eye bags so bad?", "Why does your eyes look so droopy?", "Your jaw sticks out like a frog", or simply "Shermin, you look like Sadako today." Okay, maybe I am kidding about the last part. But the general statements still remain true.

And the next thing is, I am not photogenic. Not. At. All. If I already dislike how I look, then I FUCKING HATE HOW I LOOK LIKE IN PICTURES. Good lord, I think I'd have to take like, a hundred pictures before I can finally find a picture that looks semi-decent to be posted up onto the blog, which explains why I don't have a lot of photos here.

I only choose the selected few where I look decent enough to be posted here. I'd like to be one of those girls who can post up million pictures of themselves on the blog because they're pretty enough. I don't know if people noticed, but whenever I take pictures, I tend to refrain/avoid facing the camera with a full-frontal view. Lately, I've resorted to using Photobooth/Instagram for the pictures on my blog because they tend to cover up my flaws more easily. On the other hand, DSLR exposes all parts of your shitty complexion. :/

I still remember, during the first shoot of EV, I was forced to model for some of the clothings as they're relatively small sized. So my friend/the other model, Linglin piled on some make-up on me and took a few shots of me. I LOOKED LIKE SHIT. PLUS I LOOK LIKE A TRANNY DAMN. Each time I go for a collection shoot, I'd start to think "Sigh, if only I am pretty and photogenic enough to model for my own blogshop without ruining it..."

Did you know that in order to get 'my pictures' off the page, I deliberately cut the prices of some of the items that I modelled in so that I can remove them asap. Yeah, it was that bad.

Then.

The way I speak. I always have pronunciations errors. It makes me embarrassed too, the fact that I can't enunciate certain words. Sometimes I question whether I have a lisp or short tongue. Plus, I am not good with words. I don't know how to open up to people. I always think that I am behaving in an ultra awkward manner whenever I talk to new people. All of the above explains why I am SO DAMN SOCIALLY AWKWARD, especially with strangers/new people I meet. I don't socialize with people unless they talk to me first, and most people don't dare to talk to me first since I have a scary and intimidating outlook. People often tells me that their first impression of me was that I am damn dao and quiet.

Or look as if their father or their entire clan/extended family owed me a million dollars or something lololol.

One of the reason why I hate attention is because I don't like to be casted with stares/weird looks. It makes me feel like I am inadequate, and therefore, I'll get more judgmental of myself. Heck, I think I judge myself more than anybody else in this world, which probably explains the lack of self-esteem I have in myself?

I really really really dislike how I look and behave, and I'd like to change it, but I really can't. At least not right now. It'll probably take a long time, probably decades or even centuries for me to start changing this negative mindset. I've bore this mindset for the past 17 years and it's likely that I'll feel the same way another seventeen years down the road.

Sigh.

Sigh.

Sigh.

I feel like I am pretty "awesome" for taking 1 week to pen this entry.

Yup.

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