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Sunday, February 27, 2011

made a wrong turn, once or twice.



This is one of the music videos that actually got me to tears. Not because the music video is a tearjerker (well, maybe, just a little), but probably 'cause I can relate to the chronicles so fucking well?

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I think it'd be safe to say that I grew up under constant comparison. Whether it's with self, or others. And that pretty much contributed to a downwards spiralling of my life's adventures and a constant vye for attention.

Let's start from the bottom, shall we?

It was a blur, but I vaguely remembered about how I was constantly compared to my brother, because the teachers of the same kindergarten knew that I was the sister of a 'top student' (albeit, in a pre-school) so they'd expected me to match up to his standards.

Which includes, scoring the top as well. But, I graduated from pre-school with a smashin' (i totally meant that sacarstically) 14th position out of 16 students in the same class. In other words, I was the third last if we were to put it bluntly. How's that for being the sister of a top student, huh?

Pre-school ended but the troubles didn't stop then. In fact, I think suffered the least during pre-school, because at the very least, I remained very ignorant towards the social stigma that was held against people who are not-so-intelligent. It was all ~*~*~*PINK FLUFFY UNICORNS AND RAINBOWS back then. Nobody held any prejudice against you because you were not as intelligent as your peers or something.

And then I went onto Primary School. Where everything went slightly more downhill.

In Primary 1, I was in the same class as this gorgeous girl, who is aptly named Chermaine/Shermaine. (I can't remember what the exact name was... but you get the gist.)

She's smart. She's gorgeous. She's rich. Even as 7 years old, I could tell that all the other boys had a minor crush on her, in some sort of way or another. Which brings me to the next point. Back in primary school, we had a seating arrangement of 10 pupils per 'group'. And then we get colour-coded for each group. I got into blue group, together with C/Shermaine and my puppy crush (haha, sorry it was a ~young puppy romance~). Me and Chermaine sat next to each other, with my 'puppy crush' sitting vertically opposite us.

Let's give this boy a name 'Z'. Z liked Chermaine, and every single time, he would call out 'CHERMAINE/SHERMAINE!' and both of us will turn our heads to answer because of the similarity of how our names are pronounced.

And then Z will ruin it all and hurt my fragile little soul (exaggeration) by hissing, "I was calling for SHER-MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINE. Not SHER-MINNNNNNNNNNNNNN'.

BURN. SHERMIN. BURN.

It kinda made me feel unwanted. As if I am the 'inferior' Shermaine/Shermin. It's like I was the ugly duckling, and that Shermaine/Chermaine was the beautiful swan that everybody loved. Sucks to be me huh?

LET'S CUE THE ANGSTY LITTLE EYES.

I got over it in the end, but I never really forgotten about it.

Now we can fast-forward to the... slightly darker era of primary school.

I never really came around telling people this, because I was afraid that they'll despise me, but a few already knew about this, and this is already the past, so be it. I vowed not to commit the same thing again so yeap, here I go.

I made a wrong decicion/committed a criminal offense when I was in Primary 3. At 9 years old, I stole. I even shoplifted from a family friend's shop. It wasn't in a bid to stir attention from my parents, but more to satisfy my materialism. I resorted to stealing to satisfying the need for materialism, to fit in with the richer and popular girls. The cool crowd. The cool clique.

With the extra monies that I got from stealing, I got myself the latest glitter pens (it was the rage, mind you!), the latest gadget (back then, it was a Tamagotchi. I named mine 'Libra'. After my own starsign, hah) and even an entire box of 'country erasers' because possessing them made you cool among the boys as well.

So, the thing about stealing is - you get more and more addicted to it. Once you get away with it once, you feel tempted to commit it again, because you feel like you could always get away with it. Small amounts can no longer satisfy you and you move on to bigger amounts to whet your appetite for stealing as well as materialism. And that's exactly how it went in my case.

It started off with small amounts. Like $2 from my mom's purse. $5 from my dad's wallet. And then it escalated into stealing big notes from $50 to $100 when I was 10, and then shoplifting stationery and candies from a provision shop that my mom's friend owned. That was pretty much the time I got busted.

I mean, how stupid could I get? Stealing $50 would obviously raise some suspicious unless my parents ain't financially-conscious (which obviously, they are). (Speaking of which, I was a total bitch for stealing that $50 because the $50 was supposed to be part of my grandma's medical fees since she dislocated her knees while tripping onto the stairs, a few days prior to me stealing the $.)

The time I almost got busted was when my mother's friend told her that i've been behaving furtively around her provision shop, and she also noticed that a few items went missing from her shop. She wasn't insunating that I was the culprit, but she was hinting my mother heavily about my shifty/shady behaviour.

A cause for concern, obviously.

So there was a time, my mom purposely placed a $50-dollars-note unattended to on the dining table, and moments after she came back, it was gone. She told my dad to keep an eye on me as she purposely went away to the toilet. My dad caught me doing the dirty deed, so yeap, busted, Shermin.

Needless to say, I got two tight slaps from my dad because he was utterly disappointed and ashamed to have me as his daughter, and I got threatened to move the fuck right outta the house, because he 'didn't want a thief as a daughter, and neither does he wants a thief to stay in his house'. I quoted it the exact same way he said it. Ouch. But, I did deserved it. These words still sound as resounding as ever, to be honest.

I was punished, caned and instructed to stand outside our doorstep for 2 hours. It felt like a fucking eternity because I felt so fucking alone. And aimless. And stupid. And I honestly felt like jumping off the corridor then. It'd have ended it all, right? The fact that I thought I lost my parents' trust for good really made me wanna stab myself so fucking bad.

My mom's heart softened in the end and she brought me inside the house, but she also bitterly told me to squat on my knees in front of the Buddha statues (I'm a free-thinker, but my parents are staunch Buddhists, so there you go).

She proceeded to ran inside the Master Bedroom to cry a waterfall as well. Mothers are, well, emotional ones, afterall.

It wasn't her fault. It was mine. But everybody suffered as a consquence of my own actions.

Did I mention that I got busted on 28th September 2004? 3 days after my mom's birthday, and 10 days before my dad's? Worst birthday present a child could have given to his/her parents.

The next day, I appeared in school with bruises, caning marks and some red patches splashed stragetically across my cheeks.

"Friends" asked me what happened, but could I tell them that those injuries were inflicted upon me by my own parents because I stole?

Obviously not, tell me, why would anybody want a thief as their friend? Wouldn't they have to put their guard up against me so that they don't have to lose their money unneccessarily? So I just kept quiet and hid the truth. Nobody really knew the backstory on what happened. I just told them I told a 'lie to my parents about going home late, and not asking them for permission' so my parents caned me. They took me for real, sympathetized with me and the issue blew past soon.

I think it was about then when I finally started getting more and more reclusive in nature. Slowly morphing to become The Mute One around the public/people I'm uncomfortable with. I am only 'loud' around friends or people I am truly comfortable with.

And well yeah, of course, my parents forgave me in the end. No parents would bear a grudge against their child for long anyway.

Primary School friends who might be reading this - yes, all of the above were true. Nobody knew, huh?

Nope, the troubles/problems didn't really end then. I kicked off the stealing addiction, because I was scarred from the consquences of it. But still, some troubles/problems started brewing as I went on to P5/6.

Let me summarize it as far as I can.

I befriended yet another group of 'popular kids' in the class. I never committed any crimes in that timeframe, but I almost got into slitting my wrists because it was the 'trend' then. Phew, luckily, I was too much of a scaredy cat to try that out, haha.

But yes, Irene was part of my clique.

And she ended up as the Prom Queen of 2006. Aloha, self-esteem issues.

And I became the 'sidekick' that nobody ever pays attention to. Because the limelight always goes to the protagonist, the better one, the prettier one, the superior one. For those who watched the Korean Drama, "Dream High", I am kinda like the "Baekhee" to Irene, except that Irene wasn't as obnoxious as Hyemi haha. :P In fact, Irene is the complete opposite of Hyemi - she's a really friendly girl, and she was ridiculously nice to me as a friend, to the extent that I almost felt bad for being so jealous of her then.

On our graduation night/prom night, things sorta ended on a sour note because I went off early without celebrating her win, since I was sick of being the 'inferior' one.

So yeap.

Here comes secondary school.

Before that, the computer and net was my best friend and I had developed a fucking addiction to it. I hate myself for being so addicted to the net, by the way. It did created a negative impact on my life.

I got into the best class (for some unknown reasons), and though it was the 'best class' in terms of academic quality and "intelligence", I do know that we get slighted upon in that class by the others for being geeks/nerds/the outcasts. I mean, truthfully, there are indeed a handful of embarrassing characters in my 1D/2D '07/'08 class.

I got into deep shit when a "friend" backstabbed me by printing out my old (hay there shermin-is-cool.blogspot.com - i deleted that blog off, so don't try to find it, haha) blog entries to the ones I bitched about, where I mentioned a few nasty words about certain characters. The blog entries also got handed over to my teachers-in-charge... and I was sent for counselling.

Yay.

... NOT.

And as with any other dramatic high school story, word got around that I was the bitchy one who dropped the F-bomb on my used-to-be-clique. So, I got shunned by the others like a plague since nobody would like to be friends with a bitch who would randomly drop F-words about them on an online diary, right?

So yes, I cried every single fucking day for 2 weeks because that was the time I truly felt like I was THE REAL OUTCAST, until I eventually got over that shit because I had friends that stuck by me.

THANKS GOD FOR THE PRESCENCE OF HUIHSIAN AND VIVIAN TO GET ME THROUGH THE TOUGH SHIT WHEN EVERYTHING WAS LOW AND WHEN NOBODY CARED. I LOVE YOU TWO I SWEAR I LOVE YOU TWO SO FUCKING MUCH :'( /spams post with imaginary hearts. (Siyi i love you too but you weren't there yet when things were tough k sorry!)

In Sec 3, I went through some serious self-esteem issues. There wasn't any particular matters that sparked off that, but I guess it was just a general influence from mixed sources. It just... happened. I developed a greater addiction to the Net and it pretty much caused even more troubles, since I lost my heart to study entirely.

I hated school. Therefore I would go to school in terribly unkempt state. Untied shoelaces, stray hair, reporting terribly late for school, not handing in homework, sleeping in class 24/7 and turning a deaf ear to whatever the teachers said. Of course, I knew I got judged by half the class. I was aware, I just didn't give a damn.

At the same time, I hated myself. My appearance. My half-hearted spirit to study. My lousy-like-sai grades. My Body. I hated everything and everybody. I hated all of them. But most of all, I hated myself. For not being "good" enough.

And then, yes, in that period of time, I did something utterly stupid. I'm still not comfortable enough to tell others on what I did yet, but close friends do have an idea on what happened. It'll probably create a dent in my life if it ever gets out, so I'll keep mum about it.

I just hope that the issue would remain in the dark - forever. Fingers crossed.

The same cycle repeated till Sec 4, until I finally 'woke out' of my trance in the later half of 2010, to realize how much harm this is causing towards me and my future.

So yeap, Mugger Mode was switched on in September '10. September was my 'awakening' time, but it was really a wee bit late, considering that the big Os were in October '10. Which meant that I only had about a month or half to compensate for the four years I've squandered away.

Fortunately, the grades/results proven that my efforts weren't entirely furtile, and I managed to salvage my L1R5 of 36 into 15, and L1R4 of 27 into 11.

Not entirely the best out of the lot out there, but hey, it was a vast improvement. Considering how most of I spent a month to construct that as a reality.

I made so many wrong turns in my short life... So many fucking wrong decisions, and as much as I managed to rectify most of those problems... some of them are just etched there for life. No matter how much you want to shed and erase them all off.

I'm still flawed.

There's still a few other underlying issues till now that nobody except for me will know about. Not even my best friends.

I just hope that some of these issues would not live to haunt me through my life.

I'll never be perfect, but, I'm a better person now.

And I'll keep trying.

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